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The Bloggess: The Most Unsexy Male Lingerie Ever

The Bloggess: The Most Unsexy Male Lingerie Ever
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No really, it’s just awful.

  The cozy

It’s kind of like a toaster cozy. But for your balls. And the rest of your junk. Apparently. And I guess it sort of makes sense because men have shrinkage when their junk gets chilly so if you warm it up in your ball-cozy it’ll be bigger and your girlfriend will be very pleased except that now you don’t have a girlfriend anymore because she just saw your ball cozy.

Seriously, guys, don’t do this. It’s a terrible idea to begin with because…ew…ball sweat. Plus it’s not even that sexy and- OHHOLYGODOFTHEBEARDEDCLAM.

Huh. Well, apparently if you leave the dick-warmer site up it will randomly change images to show you different color patterns. Including this one, which just scared the shit out of me:



I don’t know if there’s a name for that pattern, but I’m guessing it’s “peeing blood”. Which is fitting because if I saw one of those on my husband he really would be peeing blood because I would stomp on his man parts with a boot. His own boot. And his other boot would be on my fist so I could pummel him with that too. And not because I’m so adverse to knit ball-fashion that I’d beat my husband, but because my first thought would be that his junk was being attacked by some sort of colorful snake and I love my husband’s junk and would instinctually stomp the shit out of that snake. Except that I don’t have boots to stomp snakes with because I’m always barefoot and there’s no sense in me getting bitten on the foot too because then we’re both fucked. So instead I’d grab his boot and punch the shit out of that snake with my booted fist. Except apparently it’s not a snake so he’d probably over-react and start threatening to divorce me again even though technically I’m kind of a hero, jerk. But on a positive note, the bleeding would be less noticeable with that model of ball warmer. These are the risks you take when wear crocheted genital warmers, asshole. This is why you don’t see women walking around with knitted genital warmers. Because we’re not assholes.



Oh, fuck you, lady.

(link)

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Comments

Uh wow...

01/17/2010
gone77  

I didn't know there was such a thing as sexy male lingerie. *shrug*

02/21/2010
Invisible Friend  

I found this post strangely reassuring. My sister's husband found one of the cosies when he was going through his mother's stuff after she died. Knowing there is a website where you can buy them is better than having a mental image of her making one and checking it for size on her husband. Thanks, Bloggess!

10/20/2010

So... I really dunno which is more disturbing... the ball cozy or the woman int the knitted outfit with a penis... I think both make me do a little mini vomit...

02/11/2012

i love it!

08/27/2012

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Interviews with The Bloggess

  • Most people know Jenny as The Bloggess, a prolific writer with a sense of humor and style that many are scrambling to imitate. How does a woman who hides in the bathroom at most blogger conferences and muses on clown porn get to be an online sensation?

    Jenny is a columnist, blogger, mom and comedian. Her personal blog, [http://thebloggess.com/|thebloggess.com], is extremely popular and has developed a cult following, according to Marie Claire Magazine. She’s been a regular contributor to the online Houston Chronicle since 2006 and also writes a popular advice column for PNN and a satirical sex column for [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/columns/the-bloggess/|SexIs Magazine]. Jenny has been the keynote speaker at major conferences, as well as featured on countless sites including Salon.com and MSNBC; and Gawker once referred to her as an "interesting psycho". She prefers the term "creative visionary". Jenny suggests you ask her about how she gets her hair so shiny, or what’s wrong with her. But we know that’s a wig, and there’s nothing wrong with Jenny – she created a pitch perfect style that grabs readers, and keeps them. Whether inadvertently mobilizing the Bloggess Army, going to [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-does-japan4-110691/|Japan] on a sex culture / geisha mission of sorts, interviewing [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-nina-hartley-best-friend-0204101/|porn stars], giving sex advice, or relating the hilarious arguments she has with [http://thebloggess.com/?p=5168|her husband], The Bloggess has us hooked. Join us in learning more about this unpredictable funny lady.

     Read full interview

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