So this month I’m going to do a series of interviews with sex workers and people who want to be sex workers and people who aren’t actually sex workers but I’m going to call them that because it makes them more interesting. Next week I’m going to interview a fetish model who enjoys getting peed on a lot if she ever actually responds to me (GET TO WORK, CHERRY, OR I WILL THROW PEE ON YOU). But not my pee because ew. Someone else’s pee. Possibly the pee of my first guest and old friend, Kristen Chase, who just wrote a book about moms having sex. It’s probably not as gross as it sounds. Let’s get started.
Kristen, first of all, thanks for agreeing to this interview. Could you send me a glass of your pee to throw on a fetish model?
Actually, I use it to make my own facial cleanser. I'm not sure I can spare a glass.
What if I told you that she enjoys it? Would that change your answer?
It's my pee. I'd be surprised if she didn't love it. And if it didn't make her skin glow.
Huh. Now *I* kind of want some of your pee. Weird. So, you actually have your own sex column called Mominatrix, which lead to this book. So first question…do you think you’re better than me?
Better no. Funnier yes. Hey, you asked.
Fair enough. I’m sending you a box of poison in the mail. So you just finished your book, Mominatrix, which I assume is about dominatrix mothers. I’m not really sure. I haven’t actually read the book. I bet it’s awesome though. What’s it about? And please keep in mind that I am going to interrupt you about two sentences in so you should probably cut to the hot sex stuff right away.
It's a book about sex for moms. I used all my 70,000 words up on actually writing the book. So that's all I've got left.
Got it. Quick question…my mom never had sex, right? Say “no”, please.
Wait. You have a mom?
Why is everyone always so surprised by that? Okay, onto sexy moms having sex…what’s the sexiest thing a mom can do to reclaim her sexuality, and can I possibly use the word “sex” any more in this sexy question? I say no. Sexily.
Stop worrying about your kids all the time. Most of us were left to run wild in the streets while our moms drank and smoked and had massive amounts of sex and look how great we turned out. Oh, um, yeah.
AACK. STOP. Now all I can think of is my mom smoking and having massive sex. SHE DOESN’T DO EITHER, KRISTEN. Can we talk about knitting instead because all my mom does is knit.
Tantric knitting. I've seen some pretty sweet knit penis cozies.
That was a trick question, Kristen. My mom never knits. Did you even interview my mom for this book? Because your research seems lax at best.
I'm still reeling from the fact that you have a mom.
Hang on. I just remembered. My mom can totally knit. I apologize for questioning your journalistic integrity. It’s my grandmother who can’t knit. And who never had sex. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. Ever. Ow. I think my mind’s stuck.
* silence *
I just looked on Amazon and it says your book isn’t out yet but they’ve already marked it down. Is Amazon a bunch of assholes?
No, just literalists. When you say "My book is on sale at Amazon" they really want you to mean it. It's more than what a hand job goes for. So there's that.
Noted: I am undercharging for hand-jobs. Okay, advice time. What are the three things every mother needs to have a hot sex life?
1. A wild imagination.
2. A hot partner (alive or battery operated)
3. A bottle of Makers Mark.
Sorry. Wasn’t paying attention. I was too busy not thinking about my grandmother having sex. I bet it was great advice though. How do I stop thinking about my grandmother having sex? Is there a chapter in your book for this?
No, but there is a chapter about anal sex. Oops, now you're probably thinking about your grandmother having anal sex. Sorry.
No problem. I’m going to throw a dead dog into your box of poison. I hope you like German Shepherds. So what’s the one question no one ever asks you in an interview?
Well, I'm sad to say no one has ever asked me for a glass of my pee. Thanks for letting me check that off my list.
I’m nothing if not thorough. Last question: Is this the best interview you’ve ever done in your entire life? Be honest or I will cut you.
You're threatening to cut a woman with a butt plug in her ass and a whip in her hand?
Touché, my friend. Touché, indeed.
Are you a fascinating sex worker who I should interview for this column? Then email me. Except I’m not going to put my email address here because there are a lot of creepy sex workers that read this. Not you though. You’re awesome. And not creepy at all. You smell good too. Put the knife down.