This is almost always a mistake for everyone involved.
Nina Hartley is...
And now she’s my interview.
I had a really hard time coming up with the questions for this interview because Nina has been working in the adult industry for decades and there aren’t many questions left that she hasn’t already been asked.
Still, I did my best…
me: First off, huge fan. Boogie Nights is a personal favorite of mine, especially your scene where you were being plowed on the driveway while a bunch of people were watching. When I’m lying on the driveway I get horrible sciatic nerve pain in my lower back. What am I doing wrong?
Nina: Ah, a common problem. Were you using a furney blanket beneath you or were you just on the concrete without any protection?
me: Well, I always use protection but I’ve never even heard of a furney blanket. I use an IUD. I’m not sure why that makes a difference though. Let’s continue. What do you think about penguins?
Nina: Love ‘em. And way before the movie, “Happy Feet, “ or “March of the Penguins.”
me: Mayonnaise: “Makes everything better” or “Semen of the devil”?
Nina: Definitely better! My husband thinks it’s the devil’s semen.
me: 77 X 4 + the average speed of a cheetah carrying a small baby = A. Solve for A.
Nina: Hmm, it’s been too long since I solved for two variables, I’m afraid.
me: Did you show your work?
me: Oops. Sorry. I got distracted looking up “furney blanket” and I wasn’t paying attention. Okay, if you were in a horror movie and you were chained to someone and you had to either cut off your leg or a stranger’s leg or else both of you would die from poison gas, whose leg would you cut off?
Nina: The other person’s, of course.
me: Wow. You answered that… really quickly. Okay, if you saw a woman dressed as a nun, would you assume that she’s really a nun or would you suspect that you’re on Candid Camera and someone is about to pull some sort of trick on you?
Nina: I would assume she’s a nun.
me: Is it weird that I’m the only person who associates nuns with practical jokes?
Nina: Only if you’re Catholic.
me: I’m not. Rock, Paper or Scissors?
me: Scissors. I win.
me: You were once arrested for “Felony Lesbianism”. Is that the most awesome thing to be arrested for, ever? I say “yes”. Although I did have a friend in high school who got a ticket for “fellatio” once because she was doing it in a public park. She told her father “fellatio” was Latin for “speeding”. I forgot where I was going with this.
Nina: If that’s a true story, way to go, girl!
me: When you’re at a movie theater, which one of the armrests is yours? I say it’s the one to your right. My husband says it’s whoever touches the armrest first. Please settle this.
Nina: I’m with you on this one. It’s like knowing which bread plate is yours.
me: Exactly. Whichever plate you spit your gum on is your bread plate. You’ve acted in hundreds of movies, including “Adventures of the Fart Bitches” and “PopPorn: The Guide to Making Fuck”. Have we run out of good porn titles?
Nina: Not as long as Hollywood comes out with movies to parody. By the way, I had hoped never to SEE the title of that first movie ever again. I was helping out a friend, I swear!
me: I believe you. What’s the one question you wish people would ask you in interviews that you never get asked? It’s the penguin one, right?
Nina: How did you know? It’s like you’re psychic!
Me: Only slightly, Nina. Only slightly. Is this the best interview you’ve ever had?
Nina: Pretty much.
me: Will you be my best friend?
Nina: What’s the job description?
me: You have to tell me if my wigs are on straight and hide with me in the bathroom during overwhelming social situations. Also? Must love penguins.
Nina: I can handle that.