Honestly, I feel a little guilty.
This whole month I’ve been interviewing fascinating sex workers but I’ve run out of them so instead I’m interviewing my friend Kevin, who insists that he counts as a sex worker because he’s “so damn good in the sack”.
Kevin: You should interview me for your sex column. ‘Cause I’m like a love doctor.
Kevin: No seriously, I get a lot of pussy.
Me: Not a fan of the p-word, Kevin.
Kevin: Fine. But I’m like waist deep in vagina. I’m up to my elbows in vagina.
Me: Please let that be euphemism.
Kevin: Like, I need to put on hip-waders just to get through all this vagina.
Kevin: Besides, you only interview girls and you need a man to even out all the ovary-ness.
Me: Okay, I can’t even pretend I’m not intrigued. Astound me with your knowledge of sexuality.
Kevin: Well, last time I had sex? It was totally sexy. Way sexy.
Me: Wow. Are you some kind of poet?
Kevin: I’m just saying that it was hot. I totally ravaged her.
Kevin: What? It was hot. I’m sexy. She got ravaged.
Me: Do you mean “ravished?”
Kevin: No. Ravaged. Like, I ravaged her whole body.
Me: Ravaged? You ravaged her vagina?
Me: It’s not “ravaged”, Kevin. It’s “ravished”.
Kevin: I don’t think so.
Me: No, it is and you’re embarrassing both of us, and the woman you “ravished”, by not being able to describe it correctly.
Kevin: I’m pretty sure it’s “ravaged”.
Me: Let’s look it up, shall we? Ravished: To give great delight to; enrapture. Ravaged: The act of destroying, devastating or ruining.
Kevin: Technically both of those work.
Me: You “ruined” her vagina?
Kevin: I DESTROYED it.
Me: My. God.
Me: This is why women turn to lesbianism, Kevin. No one wants their vagina destroyed. For the love of God, at least use the correct terminology.
Kevin: Fine! I totally…what is it? Radished her?
Me: Yeah. Radished. That’s…exactly what we call it.
Kevin: Cool. I totally radished her. Hardcore.
Me: Awesome. This is all going in the interview.
* Special note to the next girl Kevin offers to “totally radish”: I’m really, really sorry.