October 29, 2009

The Bloggess: Honestly, I feel a little guilty.

by The Bloggess

But not really guilty enough to correct him.

Kevin speaks

Kevin: You should interview me for your sex column. ‘Cause I’m like a love doctor.

Me: Ew.

Kevin: No seriously, I get a lot of pussy.

Me: Not a fan of the p-word, Kevin.

Kevin: Fine. But I’m like waist deep in vagina. I’m up to my elbows in vagina.

Me: Please let that be euphemism.

Kevin: Like, I need to put on hip-waders just to get through all this vagina.

Me: ?

Kevin: Besides, you only interview girls and you need a man to even out all the ovary-ness.

Me: Ovary-ness?

Kevin: Yeah.

Me: Okay, I can’t even pretend I’m not intrigued. Astound me with your knowledge of sexuality.

Kevin: Well, last time I had sex? It was totally sexy. Way sexy.

Me: Wow. Are you some kind of poet?

Kevin: I’m just saying that it was hot. I totally ravaged her.

Me: Uh…what?

Kevin: What? It was hot. I’m sexy. She got ravaged.

Me: Do you mean “ravished?”

Kevin: No. Ravaged. Like, I ravaged her whole body.

Me: Ravaged? You ravaged her vagina?

Kevin: Totally.

Me: It’s not “ravaged”, Kevin. It’s “ravished”.

Kevin: I don’t think so.

Me: No, it is and you’re embarrassing both of us, and the woman you “ravished”, by not being able to describe it correctly.

Kevin: I’m pretty sure it’s “ravaged”.

Me: Let’s look it up, shall we? Ravished: To give great delight to; enrapture. Ravaged: The act of destroying, devastating or ruining.

Kevin: Technically both of those work.

Me: You “ruined” her vagina?

Kevin: I DESTROYED it.

Me: My. God.

Kevin: What?

Me: This is why women turn to lesbianism, Kevin. No one wants their vagina destroyed. For the love of God, at least use the correct terminology.

Kevin: Fine! I totally…what is it? Radished her?

Me: Yeah. Radished. That’s…exactly what we call it.

Kevin: Cool. I totally radished her. Hardcore.

Me: Awesome. This is all going in the interview.

Kevin: Bad-ass.

* Special note to the next girl Kevin offers to “totally radish”: I’m really, really sorry.