The opinions, scenarios and marketing suggestions expressed by The Bloggess do not necessarily reflect those of Sexis, EdenFantasys, or magical unicorns.
So I was playing around on the sex toy site that hosts this magazine and I was greatly saddened by the fact that most of the cuter corsets aren’t available in large because if you’re a small you don’t fucking need a corset, and also because in the first 15 seconds I came across a Unicorn. Horn. Dildo.
Unicorn. Horn. Dildo
Because some people like to get fucked by unicorns. Apparently. And I’m not judgey when it comes to sex, but people, please leave the unicorns out of it. Even more unsettling is that it’s actually a strap-on so I guess I have to blame the lesbians for this and I love lesbians and now I’m all conflicted. Also you can’t buy the unicorn dildo anymore because IT’S FUCKING SOLD OUT. Like, so many lesbians needed the strap-on unicorn horn that they couldn’t even keep up with demand. I can only take from this that people are so desperate for strap-on dildos that they are willing to buy pretty much anything and that’s why I’m going to market my own sex toy. It’s loosely based on those kid’s toothbrushes that play songs while they’re brushing and it keeps them from brushing carelessly because they know that if the song is still on they still need to be brushing and it would work like that except it would be a vibrator. That way no one could say that they were getting short-changed on the strap-on action because you’d know when it was time to switch because your song was over. And you could download your whole iPod to it so you could have any song you want and if you were really mad at your partner you could put it on Achy Breaky Heart for their 5 minutes and that would suck because there’s no way to have an orgasm when you’re being plowed by Achy Breaky Heart but I would have guessed the same thing about getting fucked by a unicorn horn and apparently I was wrong about that so I’m pretty sure that means I’m going to be a motherfucking sex toy billionaire.
PS. My friend Kevin just reminded me that some dudes like to get poked with a strap-on too and I was all “Hell yeah, I totally forgot about the untapped gay male population!” and he’s all “And also a lot of straight guys like it too” and so I think I just doubled my market.
PPS. Kevin would like to clarify that he is not one of those guys who likes a strap on.
PPPS. Kevin would like me to add “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
PPPPS. I need an open-minded Venture Capitalist and access to a dildo factory. Someone get me Guy Kawasaki’s number.
PPPPPS. I was trying to download the picture of the unicorn dildo to my desktop so I could add it here except I guess I accidentally chose “Use image as desktop picture” and then when my husband walked in I minimized all my windows and there was an enormous unicorn dildo on the screen. Then he gave me a look like I have a problem and I’m all “Uh…This is for work”. Then he shook his head and walked out. Thanks, unicorn dildo.