August 13, 2009

The Bloggess: Tips for Virgins

by The Bloggess

So you think you’re ready to have sex, huh?

Tips for Virgins

1. Have you had sex before? If so, then you probably don’t really need this questionnaire on whether or not to have sex for the first time. I’m not even sure why you’re here.

2. Are you in love? Because if you don’t love the person you’re doing it with then you should just wait because if you aren’t doing it for love you should at least do it for looks and the second after you have sex with this person you are totally going to find someone way hotter, but you won’t be able to get with him or her because the douche-bag you lost your virginity to will totally be all stalky over you and will send bloody knives in the mail to the person you now want to do it with and the hottie will be all “I don’t need this. I’m hot. I just wanted some easy virgin to bang. Now I’m moving to Canada”. This is basic sex science.

3. Are you in love? I’m asking again because if you DO love the person you’re about to plow (or get plowed by) you are probably going to ruin it. For real. He’s going to suck at this and you’re going to feel awkward and the bed of the truck will be really uncomfortable and then the police come and you get a ticket for fellatio if you live in Texas. For real. This is based on a true story of someone I know that is not me.

4. Do you have protection? Because that’s awesome but it’s probably not going to work. I mean, if you have sex with no protection you pretty much get pregnant like the week before you even decide to have sex and I’m not sure how that happens, but trust me, it totally happens. Using birth control is a must but still, there’s no form of protection that protects you 100% from everything. One protects from pregnancy but not AIDS. One protects from AIDS but not crabs. One isn’t actually a prevention method at all and is just something your boyfriend made up but you won’t find that out until after your test turns positive. And no matter what, you’re probably going to get crabs. Like think of it this way, would you share a pillow with a guy who had head lice even if he was wearing a yarmulke? No. You wouldn’t. That’s why you need to wait until you are at least 18 because otherwise you’re going to have to tell your mom you need crab medicine. Is that what you want? Because I don’t think your mom wants it either.

5. Are you Catholic? God can see you and is watching you read this. Also, the Pope has a secret video camera that records you when you masturbate. This is what I’ve heard. Just passing it along

6. Are you over 30 years old? Okay, you can do it. Seriously, you don’t have to even take this quiz. Just go get laid. After 30, all bets are off. Even the Pope is behind me on this one, I think.

7. Are you a teenager who is ready to have sex? Did you just answer “no”? Good. That means this quiz worked.

Stay tuned for next week’s column: “So you decided not to listen to me and had sex anyway…”