This week I got pulled into the principal’s office at SexIs. It wasn’t all that bad since all people at SexIs are super sweet, but they were considering putting a disclaimer on my column so that people would know that this is a humor column which shouldn’t be taken seriously and that I’m solely responsible for the things that I write and that in no way do they agree with or support my ridiculous rantings. I thought that was probably already pretty obvious to the typical reader but they felt the need to distance themselves from me while at the same time assuring me that they still loved me. This was the same sort of response I got from my own family so it was nothing new but it was a bit strange coming from a sex magazine. Basically I’ve managed to disconcertingly alarm a site that offers penis Christmas ornaments and blow-job machines. I could be wrong but I think that means that I just won the internets.
I explained to SexIs that I agree that disclaimers are a great idea and that I even encourage acquaintances to have t-shirts made that say “Yes, I do know the Bloggess but that doesn’t mean I agree with anything she says. Except that shit about using dead kittens to make fur-liked gloves for the homeless. That’s kind of brilliant”. They didn’t respond (probably because they were overwhelmed with my philanthropy) so I filled the uncomfortable silence by volunteering to come up with a disclaimer that would clarify that they are not to blame for me. Then I sent them an email with several suggestions that we could use:
They didn’t respond right away and so I thought I should maybe send them something to let them know that I did actually take their concerns very seriously so I emailed them a picture of myself being gagged because I thought it was funny and also on point:
This is when another long hour passed with no response and I started to think about how embarrassing it would be to say you got fired from a sex site for being too offensive and by “embarrassing” I mean “kind of bad-ass” so I sent them another email:
And then another hour passed and I was starting to feel a little guilty about insulting their ball-gag because you really shouldn’t look a gift ball-gag in the mouth even if it is way too big for your mouth and I was just about to put them out of their misery by submitting my resignation but right then they responded and basically said that they were giving up on reigning me in and were going to try to hang on through the hell-bound hayride I seemed intent on taking them on. Then they suggested that we let the readers choose which disclaimer they like the most. Winner gets a free ball-gag. Not mine though. A new one. And if you want, I’ll even autograph your ball. From the ball-gag, that is. I’m not going to autograph your testicle. Probably.
PS. In all seriousness, my apologies to SexIs and EdenFantasys who allow me to write whatever crazy-ass shit I want without censorship. That is a quality to be admired and one that should be commended by the writing community as a whole. My words are my own and they may not always agree with them or even always enjoy them but they always support my right to say them and that’s pretty damn bad-ass in my book.