One of my friends sent me an article entitled “Worst Sex Advice Ever.” It was interesting, but not even remotely close to being the WORST ADVICE EVER. Because that advice is right here. Obviously.

The Worst Sex Advice Ever (For men):

1. When she leans down to pick up her napkin, say, “While you’re down there…” and leer at her while you push your crotch out. Then when she laughs awkwardly, huff and tell her parents—who invited you to dinner—that “their daughter has lost her sense of adventure.”

2. Initiate sex with her when she’s late to take the kids to school, while she’s on the phone with her sick grandmother, or 30 minutes after she falls asleep.

3. During sex, grab your partner’s belly and shake it while making menacing Jabba-the-Hut sounds. Then say you’re just kidding. Girls love a guy with a good sense of humor.

4. Call her by your ex-girlfriend’s name. Often. Then tell her you only do it because neither of you will do that thing he likes. You know…that thing that Samantha did. Then never explain who Samantha is or what she did. A girl likes a man with mystery.

5. When your girl has food poisoning and is throwing up things she ate in 1982, huff loudly and say, “Well, I guess we won’t be having sex tonight!” That way, she’ll know you care. About her vagina.

6. Insult all of her friends. Except for the ones that you point out that you would have a three-way with. That way she knows she’s special and that you have discriminating tastes.

7. Sleep with her sister. That way she’ll know you love her family, too.

8. Sleep soundly (with your genitals exposed, of course) next to the reproduction Conan the Barbarian sword that you bought the day after you told her she was spending too much money on medicine. Call out Samantha’s name in your sleep.

9. When you’re at the doctor getting your junk sewn back on, notice that the doctor is a woman and say, “While you’re down there…” and leer at her while you slowly pass out from the blood loss.

Join us again next week when we do the exact same thing, except that we’ll focus on the women. It’s going to be painful.