May The Force Be In You
Let’s be clear about one thing: safe sex is not a joke. It’s serious and essential. That said, how’d you like to take a gander at my glow-in-the-dark cock? Yes? Okay … wait … just … 30 … seconds … it’s … almost … ready … now … turn off the lights!
Remember the scene at the end of Return of the Jedi when Luke is finally forced to confront all of his daddy issues once and for all? He’s hiding in some dark corner while Darth Vader is walking around talking shit about how they could rule the universe together and about how if Luke won’t do it, maybe his sister will. Then, out of nowhere, Luke’s green lightsaber ignites and he goes ballistic, screaming and wielding his weapon with wild abandon.
Minus all the daddy/sister references, that’s pretty much how I felt the night I decided to surprise Susan with a Night Light glow-in-the-dark condom. I asked her to wait in the bedroom with all the lights off while I retreated to the bathroom and positioned my personal lightsaber directly beneath the vanity lamp to charge the glow particles for what had to be the longest 30 seconds of my life. Then I thrust the door open and sprang into the pitch-black room. My glimmering rod bounced recklessly up and down and from side to side, and in the mirror I could see that I was leaving a trail of green luminescence in the air as I approached the bed. My dick had gone radioactive and I was ready to test its newfound capabilities— sort of like the way Luke was ready to push himself to his limit to defeat Vader.
Then Susan started laughing. I haven’t had to wear condoms since my college years (which were definitely a long time ago and might as well have happened in a completely different galaxy) so she had no idea what I was up to and certainly was not expecting anything like that. And, apparently she hadn’t seen Return of the Jedi as recently as I had, or maybe she just doesn’t fantasize about Luke’s lightsaber in the same way that I get a charge out of Princess Leia’s famous slave bikini from the same film.
Oh well. “What’s so funny?” I asked.
“You mean besides the fact that you’re wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom?”
Good point.
Popsicle Dicks
Katy Perry makes a number of good points regarding the merits of West Coast women in her popular California Gurls song, one of which is the idea that their sun-kissed skin is hot enough to melt my popsicle. I’m sure the sexual overtone is intended; I’m not sure why I would want anybody— hot or not— to actually melt my popsicle. Innuendo aside, popsicles are kinda tantalizing.
“They’re certainly the right shape, and basically the right size,” says Susan. “The cold can be fun for a while, too – especially crunching a little up and then giving a flavored blowjob … but once they start to melt … well, it sort of interrupts things to run what’s left to a sink.”
Problem solved thanks to the Durex line of tropical condoms, which allows men everywhere (West Coast, East Coast, the Dirty South, Norway, wherever) to replicate the flavors and colors of their favorite popsicles right between their legs without all the messy melting problems. I picked up a pack of three and got orange, strawberry, and banana, and I have to say that I was very impressed with the various aromas, not to mention the vibrant colors (If you’re trying for an au naturel look, a neon orange or red rubber is not the route you want to take.) The banana smelled like every other manufactured banana flavoring you’ve ever experienced in your life, but the orange and strawberry were actually quite tempting.
“I don’t have any hesitation going south of the border, but I have to say that the orange scent really had me not wanting to waste any time getting there,” Susan says. “And aside from the latex texture, it actually tasted pretty good. So I got to at least start my flavored blowjob …”
She didn’t get to finish, though, because as soon as I glanced down, I started laughing.
“What?” Susan said.
“You mean besides the fact that that orange condom makes my dick look like the beginnings of some clown’s wiener dog balloon animal?”
Another good point.
Pimp My Condom
Don’t worry, once the laughter subsided, both of the above situations ended, well, happily. Still, I decided there had to be a way to mix in a few laughs with the sex without breaking up the general flow of things. To my delight, I discovered RipnRoll.com, a website devoted to all things condom. RipnRoll.com features a number of products that supply the funny on the outside. Individual packaging, for example, printed with imagery and phrases such as “deep diver,” “ride that pony,” or “tight ends wanted.” Not too subtle, but given the obvious circumstances, still good for a few chuckles before ripping it open and putting the actual condom to use. In other words, everybody can have their giggles before getting down to business.
RipnRoll also offers the opportunity to customize your condom wrappers with words, images, or even a likeness of yourself. The possibilities are endless … sort of like the trouble a personally customized condom will almost certainly get you in.
I mean, imagine the scene: You’re at the bar making eye contact with a hottie across the room. You approach, ask if you can provide your phone number, and then pull out a condom package with your digits printed in bold type. Does it work? Maybe, maybe not. But there will surely be plenty of laughter —and everybody knows that where there’s laughter, there’s always a chance for a happy ending.