If you’re a guy, you can just say “No. I don’t want to have to sex with you” and that will work because most girls have low self-esteem and you will crush her and she’ll run to the bathroom to cry for a week. Way to go, asshole. I suggest “I’d love to sleep with you but you’re just too good for me” because that way she’ll feel better and she’ll be less likely to slash your tires.

If you’re a girl turning down a guy who’s asking you to have sex with him, then it often requires a bit more persistence. You should almost always start with the gentle approach of “You’re awesome but you’re not my type” but if he continues to harass you, then all bets are off and you can use any of these tried-and-true responses to get him to leave you alone:

“I’d love to but I have a raging case of Gonoherpititis. You never heard of it? It’s kind of new. And really contagious. You should probably go wash your hands.”

“I never have sex with the children of people I’ve already slept with. It’s kind of a rule I have.”

“I totally would but there’s a chipmunk in my vagina. I’m really into deforestation issues so I let forest animals live in my vagina as a living protest to them losing their homes.”

“I totally would but there’s a chipmunk in my vagina. Why? Oh, no reason.”

“Maybe. But I have an extremely narrow vagina so I can only have sex with men whose penises are less than a quarter inch in diameter.” (This should be said loudly in front of his friends.)

”Sorry. I stopped wearing earrings for a year and my piercings grew over. The same thing happened to my vagina.”

“The doctor says I have to wait another three weeks before the stitches come off.”

“I have explosive diarrhea.”

“I’m an old-fashioned girl so you’ll have to ask my father first. He doesn’t own a phone but here’s his address.”

“Spaghetti. Rhinoceros. Whose hippo is that?”

“No. Because I said so.”