What Not To Do During Sex ...
In order to save you from yet another existential crisis later in the year, add to your list those things you promise never to do during sex. These will guarantee your success in keeping at least a few resolutions—and if your lover is showing you this list and making you sign it in the presence of a notary, consider it an intervention or a warning that you may suck in bed.
* Caveat: Every “don't” has it’s own fetishist fan club of people who do that very thing. Try not to think too hard about what they do. Or do think about it, if you’re bored or into horror. If you’re into any of these “don'ts” and decide to rise up against me in protest, please spell my name correctly, and then tell us who you are, how to pronounce your name and where you’re from, so we can all avoid you.
* When you lover says, “Eat me,” don’t take it literally.
* When your lover screams or moans “Oh my God” don’t think that they’re talking about you—even if you’re Tom Cruise.
* When your lover screams or moans “Oh, God,” don’t get into a debate on the irrationality of religious belief systems and their irrelevance to the current sexual intimacy . Unless, of course, you’re Richard Dawkins.
Don’t Tweet while fucking. If both (or all) of you are Tweeting or updating your FaceBook pages simultaneously, then that may be okay … but in that case, keep your status updates to what the two (or more) of you are doing currently. You might consider calling it performance art and see if you can get some sort of grant.
Don't invade a sovereign nation. Sexually satisfied heads, er, leaders, make poor evil overlords. If you are currently in the process of invading another country, take a moment to reflect on your sex life. Your therapist misses you.
Regarding Names ...
If you’re bad with names, don’t call out any during sex. It’s likely to get you into trouble. Sex partners tend to be hypersensitive to being called other people’s names, especially the names of ex’s (both yours and theirs), as well as either your relatives or pets. When in doubt, acknowledge them with saucy terms of endearment such as stud muffin, sugar, ooh baby, oh my god (see above), hotness and such.
* If your lover never calls you by your name, instead always calling you stud muffin, sugar, ooh baby, oh my god (see above), hotness and such, don’t ask them to say your real name during sex. Awkward times 10.
* Don’t call out “Who’s your Daddy?” in the voice of Elmer Fudd, or Darth Vader.
* Don’t respond to impassioned sexual requests by saying: “Yes, Lord Vader.”
Also Resolve Never To:
* Die during sex. It’s rude and think of the poor person who will have to tell your mom.
* Play dead while hoping your partner will go away.
* Put on a clown costume, unannounced and without prior agreement.
* Check other people’s Tweets or FaceBook status.
* Forget that you’re having sex and start doing something else, like watching the game on TV.
* Protest the lousy call that the referee or umpire made during the game on TV, no matter how blind and stupid the official may have been.
* Ask your lover how you compare to their exes or other lovers.
* Forget to wash your hands after handling spicy foods or hot muscle ointments.
* Launch a surprise backdoor invasion. If you’re prone to this, give up sex and take up a hobby that doesn’t require lube or consent, such as terrorism or illegal invasions of foreign countries.
* Discuss your history of therapy, abuse, bad breakups, recovery programs, stalking or being stalked.
Finally , Also Promise that You Will Refrain from ...
* Drawing dotted butcher lines on a lover’s skin with a Sharpie.
* Discussing previously undisclosed STIs or other communicable diseases.
* Dismissing any comments about sores and unusual discharges in your genitals.
* Laughing at a lover, rather than with them.
If you can manage to not do most of these, you can congratulate yourself for being … um … well, we’ll think of something. Hooray for cheap validation!