And now, top texts from stalkers:

“Man. You sure look pretty when you sleep.”

“This neighborhood is dangerous. We should move.”

“Your couch looks mad comfortable from here!”

“You should really watch where you’re going.”

“You forgot to turn the light off in the kitchen, but it’s okay. I did it for you.”

“Street sweeping is in 30 minutes. You should really move your car.”

“Your soup is about to boil over.”

“Your soup is going to boil over.”

“YOUR SOUP IS BOILING OVER.”

“Don’t worry. I think there’s more soup here in the pantry. Or green beans. You really need a light in here.”

“Look out your window. Can you see my car? Did they tow it? I can’t see it from your bedroom.”

“You know…you really should start closing your windows.”

“Are you talking about me in your #textyougetfromastalker tweets?”

“You should get that mole on your back looked at.”

“Phew, I’m glad that cop didn’t ask to search your car. Forgive the typos. It’s hard to text from your trunk.”

“Whoopsie! Didn’t mean to send that picture of my genitals ... but what do you think though?”

“You forgot to shut the door again.”


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