I have Google Analytics installed on my main blog and occasionally I look at what people are searching for when they find my blog. Then I cry a little and hide under the bed. Here are a few recent searches that landed people at my blog. Also, I just want to point out that I mean my personal blog, not this sex blog, and that each of these searches were used multiple times. I didn’t ask for this, people. Stop blaming the victim.

The top 50 most fucked-up things people were searching for when they found my blog:

“Sexy teenager cereal monsters”

“What can meth do to your vagina?”

“I’m awesome with dead whores”

“Boob mushroom”

“Cheerleader pee”

“Foul mouthed pixie”

“Huge Labia”

“GIANT LABIA”

“ENORMOUS LABIA”

“Cats ovaries” + “inflamed”

“World of Warcraft blowjob”

“Names for my hookers”

“What happens if you put toothpaste on your nipple”

“Boobs in the grass”

“Chipmunks fuck”

“Does Netflix have gay porn?”

“Disney tampons”

“Mime porn”

“Clown porn”

“Midget porn”

“Clown midget porn”

“Classy porn”

“Nugget porn”

“Sally Struthers porn”

“Amputee porn”

“Sasquatch porn”

“Blue elephant porn”

“Twinkie porn”

“Hobo porn”

“Gay hobo porn”

“Octopus porn”

“Poprocks porn”

“4 limbed amputee porn”

“Porn pics of 109 legless girls”

“Porn for the blind”

“Clown pee”

“Vagina pudding”

“What is the course for the vagina to smell of soup?”

“1700’s vagina”

“Poor little kittens lost your mittens porn picture”

“it is, however, truly comforting to know that you really respect the dead whores”

“You have a picture of a zombie penis on the end of a pole”

“Weird fucking”

“Angry transvestites”

“I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t care what you do with semen”

“Aqua vulva”

“a dog named my vagina”

This is when I just decided to stop and walk away, both because I was starting to feel less sexy for not being an amputee and also because I felt a little bad about how disappointed the people searching for that stuff must have been when they found themselves at my blog. Also, I just want to point out that “amputees with 4 limbs” aren’t really amputees at all. I’m trying to help here, y’all.