January 21, 2010

The Bloggess: Magic Words That Make Him Tell You the Truth About Where Your Socks Are

by The Bloggess

This month I’m doing a series of articles to prove to my grandmother that my sex column is just as good as anything from Cosmo by writing my own stories inspired by actual Cosmo titles. This morning I was supposed to tackle…

Magic Words That Make Him Tell the Truth

(For example: Where the fuck are my socks?)

1. “Pretty please tell me where you put my socks. I know you have them.”
2. “Tell me where you put my socks or I will stab your nana in the face.”
3. “I just poisoned your drink. The antidote is in my socks.”
4. “What? ‘Where is your penis?’ Oh, it’s probably wherever my socks are. Asshole.”
5. “No, actually, I really don’t think that cutting your penis off was an ‘over-reaction.’ Those socks are totally bad-ass.”
6. “I will totally give you a blow-job if you tell me where my socks are.”
7. “Well, I meant after it was re-attached obviously.”
8. “And after I get my socks back. Obviously.”
9. “Yeah, I know you’ve lost a lot of blood. That’s what happens when your penis gets cut off. But you know what makes a great tourniquet? Socks. Just sayin’.”
10. “Oh crap. Hang on. I think I’m wearing my socks. Oh my God, I feel like an idiot. Sorry, hon.
11. “ Okay, stop yelling at me. I said I was sorry.”
12. “Well, I don’t exactly remember where I put your penis to tell you the truth. Clearly I was a little too upset about my socks at the time to pay attention. Stop freaking out. It’ll turn up. Have you checked where you usually keep your penis? Because this morning I thought my socks had been stolen but turns out I was actually wearing them. I mean, you remember. You were there.”

Join me next week when I tackle “What Guys Notice About You in 6 Seconds”. (Hint: It’s your boobs.)