I like to watch twitter for trending topics about sex because first of all, it makes it very easy to write this column, and secondly because it reminds me why I’m never going to leave my husband to get back into the dating pool again.

Last week #NextTimeWeHaveSex was a trending topic and so thousands of twitterers jumped in with their personal vows. Here are a few that stuck with me:

NextTimeWeHaveSex we’ll try that foreplay thing.

NextTimeWeHaveSex could you not shout out my best friend’s name?

NextTimeWeHaveSex tell me you have a weave BEFORE we start. I assure you, I was just as freaked out as you were.

NextTimeWeHaveSex can you lose the Spider Man sheets?

NextTimeWeHaveSex can I keep my Timberlands on?

NextTimeWeHaveSex I'll let you chose what type of bag to wear.

NextTimeWeHaveSex I'll video it, just so you will actually remember it happening.

NextTimeWeHaveSex one of us is dressing up as Justin Bieber.

NextTimeWeHaveSex I’m gonna need you to leave your ipod with that gospel playlist in the ipod…not in the speakers. Wow.

NextTimeWeHaveSex can you at least PRETEND to rip my head off? I have a praying mantis fetish.

NextTimeWeHaveSex I’ll make sure it's you and not your twin brother.

NextTimeWeHaveSex I will wear the banana suit.

NextTimeWeHaveSex let's oil up and wear luchador masks.

NextTimeWeHaveSex can you take your parent’s photo off the wall? They don't need to be staring at us.

NextTimeWeHaveSex I want you to be even dirtier than your mum was.

NextTimeWeHaveSex make sure it lasts long enough for me to notice that we had sex.

NextTimeWeHaveSex try not to get it in my hair. And by “it” I mean your penis. I don’t even know how you did that.

NextTimeWeHaveSex we’re gonna do it in YOUR butt, girl.

NextTimeWeHaveSex can you make sure you have change for a fifty?

NextTimeWeHaveSex take off your plastic leg.

NextTimeWeHaveSex don't ask if it's in yet.

NextTimeWeHaveSex I’m gonna bring my own damn condoms. I can’t keep rinsing out this condom ‘cause “it’s your favorite one to use.”

NextTimeWeHaveSex Could you stop screaming my name? Hell BITXH, I GOT WARRANTS!

NextTimeWeHaveSex I promise to call you by a name that at least begins with the same letter as your name.

NextTimeWeHaveSex use a lawn mower down there. Looks like you’ve been growing that since the Crusades.

NextTimeWeHaveSex I'm gonna be all in that ass... Like a gerbil.

NextTimeWeHaveSex hopefully that rash and those bumps will be gone, right?

NextTimeWeHaveSex I won't put it in the “no zone”. Sorry.

NextTimeWeHaveSex please try to not fart on me.

NextTimeWeHaveSex can you not tell your daughter please? She and I almost split up last time.

NextTimeWeHaveSex I'll remember your bad back.

NextTimeWeHaveSex I'll make sure to think of you.

NextTimeWeHaveSex I'll be calling out my own name.

NextTimeWeHaveSex—oh wait, there is no next time.


And my own personal favorite: