This week twitter once again wrote my column for me when thousands of people started sharing all of the terrible things said to them during sex. It is guaranteed to make you feel better about your sex life. Even if you don’t have a sex life. Hell, especially if you don’t have a sex life. This column is basically the best argument for abstinence ever.

And now, The top 30 worst things anyone has ever said during sex:

“On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.”

“I'm sorry but I gotta take this call; it’s your mom.”

“Oh, my God. Do you smell that? I think the cats have diarrhea again.”

“If I knew we were having sex today I wouldn’t have had sex yesterday.”

“Totally just found a glass eye.”

“My grandma is going to call to check up on me.”

“Did you put on a few pounds?”

“I want a baby.”

“Um… (awkward silence) …we need to talk...”

“How was your day?”

“Girl, you need to fire your gardener.”

“Is this your breast or a roll?”

“Hi, I am Chris Hansen.”

“I think we should see other people.”

“Ignore those bumps around my genitals. Or think of them as mountain lumps of love.”

“Please put your socks back on.”

“I’m kind of drunk right now... Can you put it there for me?”

“Shhh. We don’t want to wake your dad.......or DO we?”

* Phone rings * “Yes, doctor. Oh, the tests came back positive?”

“I forgot to take my birth control pill again. Oh well, I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“And I learned this move in jail.”

“I’m turning 18 in a few months...”

“Your sister does that, too.”

“The only reason I’m doing this is because I’m drunk.”

“I’m out of condoms. Can I use a sock?”

“I haven’t had this much sex since I was a hooker!”

“In this economy, have you considered lowering your prices?”

“Oh Susan, Susan... I mean...Donna.... Shit.”

“The ceiling needs painting.”

“Slow it down, Cowboy. You’l hurt my baby’s head.”

“You’re kneeling on my colostomy bag. Again.”

“THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!”