The Worst Sex Advice Ever (For Women)
1. When he initiates sex, laugh like he’s just made a hilarious joke. Then walk off still giggling. That way, he knows you think he has a good sense of humor.
2. Don’t neglect his ball-sack. A good hand-job should never avoid a thorough and routine check for ball cancer. You should always pretend to find some sort of a lump. That way, he knows you aren’t just phoning it in.
3. Nickname his genitals something adorable: like “Little Weezy” or “Mrs. Potato-Head.” It’s also a good idea to name his balls. I suggest “Larry, Curly and Lumpy.”
4. After sex, immediately jump into the shower and scrub yourself vigorously with steel-wool. Mutter, “Unclean…unclean,” to yourself until you feel fully invigorated. He’ll appreciate your good hygiene.
5. After sex, give him some helpful tips, like: “It really doesn’t have to go on that long,” or “It’s hard to pretend you’re Rebecca when you don’t shave your beard.”
6. Insult all of his friends. Except for the ones that you point out that you’ve already had a three-way with. That way he knows you won’t stray because you’ve already done everyone worth doing.
7. Instead of “sex” say “love-making session.” Over and over and over. Other words he probably enjoys: moist, panties, irregardless, liberry, rectal tear.
8. If he’s uncircumcised, tell him that you think his penis is cute. Like a tiny little tube of lipstick. If he’s circumcised, assure him that you think it’s perfectly fine that he’s missing so much of his penis because you’ve had enough big penises to last a lifetime. Go into detail.
9. Never ever do anything different in bed. If you try a new position, he’ll assume that you learned it on the street.
10. During sex, stop suddenly and say, “You’re thinking about my sister, aren’t you?” Then refuse to talk to him until he apologizes. That way you can have make-up sex. Grudgingly. But then do the same thing during make-up sex. That way you can have make-up make-up sex. Never stop this cycle.