May 28, 2009

Everything weird I know about sex I learned from Twitter

by The Bloggess

Why I will never get divorced

“Three Hot Words” according to people who I swear aren’t me:

I want you.
No panties on.
In the mirror.
Let’s just cuddle.
Bring a friend.
Let me help.
No gag reflex.
I’m absolutely still.
Wanna play Halo?
Bitey vampire sex.
Tastes like chicken.
Punish me, officer.
I’ll pay cash.
Squeeze my funzies.
Say my name.
Thanks, Dick Cheney.
Let’s go, penis!
Resistance is futile.
Who wants bacon?
I’m a gymnast.
Boiling molten lava.
Free fountain drink.

And then this meme quickly deteriorated into “Four Turn-Off Words” people have had said to them:

It’s not very contagious.
I thought you knew.
We should pray together.
That’s never happened before.
Have you been itching?
Get off my mother!
Is it in yet?
That’s NOT my vagina.
What’s your sisters number?
You are the father.
Denise Richards: It’s complicated.
Do you love me?
I’m inside your house.
What would Jesus do?
My parents aren’t home.
Nice nut-sack, dude!
Let’s pretend we’re related.

And right about then, I thanked God that I’m married and don’t ever have to date again because the weirdest thing Victor ever said to me in bed was “I’m gonna throw up” but technically it was *after* sex and he’d had food poisoning that week so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t me.

Shut up.