Top ten strangest things sent to me this week:

1. Sexy Pilgrim (Kind of awesome, actually.)

2. “I’VE GOT THE WEIRDEST BONER RIGHT NOW.”

3. That is the most expensive chocolate penis I have ever been tempted to buy.

4. Gay Dracula. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

5. Vintage. Vibrator. Museum. Someone’s going to get electrocuted.

6. Apple-infused horse semen. It’s the new jello-shot. And now I’m going to throw up for a bit.

7. Witches broomsticks were actually dildoes. Oh, you silly muggles.

8. Actual headline: Teens accused of making Gustav the formerly lustful ostrich impotent.

9. $3,475 unicorn butt plug. No. Really.

10. 51 Christian phrases for the word “vagina.” I think “Twattle-dandy” is my personal favorite.