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How Orgasm Focus Almost Ruined A Relationship

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Today’s article focuses on how sex focused around an orgasm can put a lot of stress on both parties, and even lead to break ups in some cases. We will discuss what the goal of sex really should be.

  Problems That Arise

The first problem with expecting a certain act to cause an orgasm is that it normalizes sex and says there is a right and a wrong way to do it. People believe that if you stimulate a penis through an up and down motion either with a hand or a mouth the desired outcome is an orgasm, ejaculation and pleasure. But this is not true for all people. There are some men who do not enjoy that form of stimulation. There are men who enjoy a vibrator more, or prefer to orgasm from prostate or nipple stimulation, or something else. If you expect an orgasm, you are telling your partner that if they do not have an orgasm, there is something wrong with them. And this can cause psychological pain to them. They can feel inadequate, broken or just abnormal because they did not have an orgasm. So understand that your expectations on your partner can cause pain to them.

It also needs to be understood that most people need to be relaxed and happy to have an orgasm. If they feel pressured to have an orgasm, or if they are trying really hard to have an orgasm, it can be more difficult for them. There needs to be a feeling of safety, relaxation and comfort for a person to have an orgasm. So by getting upset about not being able to give your partner an orgasm, you can actually make it harder for them. There is pressure put on them and that can add difficulty.

I personally have a hard time ejaculating and having an orgasm from blowjobs. There is just something about the stimulation that just does not push me over the edge. It feels great, but I do not have an orgasm. I find it far easier to have one from nipple stimulation or a handjob. That is just how I am. During our talk, I told my girlfriend this and she started to feel a bit better. Not all acts are going to cause a person to have an orgasm. Everyone has their own unique tastes and you cannot apply them to all people.

In my personal opinion, sexual intercourse does not require an orgasm to be complete. And that is my main issue with this thinking. It makes sex revolve around an orgasm. It makes it all about an orgasm when there is so much more to sex than that. There are complex feelings, and bonds, and happiness all independent of an orgasm. I was happy with the session my girlfriend just gave me. I felt great, I felt amazing, yet here she was feeling horrible about herself. So I asked her some questions:

Did you have a fun time (before your jaw got sore)? And she replied yes, I liked watching you.
I said ask me if I had a good time. And she does: So I tell her yes I had a good time. It felt amazing. It felt great. I didn’t care at all that I did not have an orgasm. I felt close to you, I felt in love with you, I felt happy and close. So yes I had a good time.

I then asked her if we had ever had sex and she didn’t have an orgasm, yet still walked away feeling good. And she replied of course she had. There were lots of times she didn’t want to have an orgasm, or just didn’t have one and walked away happy.

What these questions illustrate is that it is very possible to have sex and not have an orgasm, yet still feel happy. And in my opinion that is what sex is about. Sex is about feeling happy, feeling an emotional connection. For some people, it is above love and a connection. For some people it has religious connotations. And I know I am missing what sex means to a lot of people too. There are lots of other things sex means to people.

My point here is that sex isn’t one dimensional and focused around an orgasm. It is multi-faceted and focuses on different things for different people. Sometimes the goal is an orgasm. But other times the focus in not an orgasm, because sex is so much more than an orgasm.

So my final point is that if sex doesn’t revolve around an orgasm, why is it a big deal if your partner doesn’t have an orgasm? And the answer is simple. It is NOT a big deal. There is no reason for you to automatically judge your self worth based upon the number of orgasms you give your partner. Sex is whatever you want it to be and whatever you make it to be.

So for anyone who has ever felt bad because they could not give their partner an orgasm, do not feel bad about it. If you want re-assurance, talk to your partner, and unless sex is focused around orgasm (which is fine if you decide that) then your partner is not going to care and you should feel good about yourself.

After telling my girlfriend that sex was so much more than an orgasm, everything turned out fine. But there was a moment where she legitimately considered leaving me so I could find someone “better” who could give me an orgasm. And that is something I don't want anyone to ever feel.

If you have any questions or personal stories of your own feel free to ask/share them in the comments.

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