I find this to be the easiest type of feedback to give, but one of the most difficult to interpret. That is logical though; nothing is really as easy as it appears. If I am enjoying myself it is easy to moan, sigh, or breathe heavily. I have gotten louder over the years, because it is obvious that my partners enjoy this behavior from me. I started with breathing and quite moaning which has evolved to now being so loud that whole house knows when I am having sex.
This is easy to start with. Pay as much attention as possible to what sounds you make during sex. If you make none, then add small ones. One of my favorite sounds to hear is my partner give a sexy sigh during penetration. For me, that is so sexy to hear. Maybe try making a quiet moan when you orgasm as well. Think about it as a metal detector for sex… or radar… or something. The more noise you make, the more likely it is that the person you are with is going to keep doing what you want them to.
Ah, talking… It was always a hurdle that I would almost clear, and then something would happen, and I clam up again. I am working on rediscovering my sexy dirty talking goddess again, but I have to throw off the shame that previous partners put on me for it. I love being treated like I have been bad and an authority figure has to punish me. This doesn’t have to be full role-play, but that element is really nice. It’s probably why I have kink in my life. For this to happen, both parties need to talk and interact, but there is a more basic level of talking that should be happening in the bedroom.
Here is a list of the basic required vocabulary:
OW or OUCH
Anything more than that is what I would consider beyond the basics and probably a different article. These basic words should be uttered at any point during sex where they are appropriate. To use a navigational metaphor, they are course corrections. You aren’t lost; you just need to change a little of what your partner is doing.
I love non-verbal communication. I find that it is somewhere between the two others when it comes to clarity. Giving oral sex when the receiver has a firm grip on the back of your head is a lot more fun. Sometimes non-verbal cues can be misinterpreted. For a long time my most recent partner interpreted my whimper and pout as meaning that he was hurting me when it really said was “GO HARDER”. He learned, but only through verbal communication.
Non-verbal communication is still important even if it can be misunderstood. Having sex with a blank expression on your face is just going to be weird. Be aware of your expressions to. I have had sex with someone who looked confused and pained. I learned that it was him enjoying himself, but it was not sexy. In fact, it was weird and totally took me out of the zone.
Variety is the spice of life
All three communication types deserve a place in the bedroom. Without all of them, something will always be missing for me.