My Discovery Of The Big "O"

I am on a road to self-discovery and what I have learned has been over whelming. See; over eight years ago I had emergency surgery to save my life. It left me with some nerve damage. I have decreased sensation in my legs and bladder, and I have severe pain in my back. At that time I just assumed that arousal would be out of the question! I never realized that I was shutting myself off to achieving orgasm. I thought my inability was caused by my body, my medications or the depression. Over the last few years I struggled to come to terms with the fact that my health issues had changed my sexual being. I had pretty much decided that if I could please my husband, have fun and connect with him I was happy and fulfilled. I would sometimes be able to achieve an orgasm and that would be glorious. I would remember how great it felt to orgasm and want more. When I would try for more however, I would find it impossible. It became hard work to have an orgasm, so I would give up. This became a horrible cycle. I gave up trying and justified this by saying,"It will happen when it happens."

I have started trying to resolve some other issues in my life over the last few months. I found that I have a whole lot of unresolved issues! As I began to work through some of these issues I found that I was able to become aroused more easily. This lead to my biggest question: If I can masturbate to orgasm why can't I have an orgasm as easily during sex with my husband?

I began to look for answers and I had found some good resources. One of them was a book called "The Elusive Orgasm" by Vivienne Cass Ph.D. and I am currently working through it. I am finding out more and more about my body, my emotions and the real reason I am having trouble achieving orgasm when I want it. I thought it was my nerve disorder that had taken away any real hope of having an orgasm. The problem with this theory was the fact that I was able to masturbate and have an orgasm when I was by myself, but I couldn't achieve orgasm reliably with my husband. This was the pattern of my orgasms. I also realized that I will plateau when having sex with my husband. I let him bring me to a certain point of pleasure and then I cut it off. I start thinking of things I have to do or didn't do. My mind wanders and one of the biggest obstacles is the fact that my kids are now teenagers and our walls are so very thin. I am so afraid they will hear us, knock on the door and want something, or just generally be nosy. I would also think about how my body looked while having sex. I learned by reading and really digging into my own life that I was the problem- I was blocking my own orgasm!

I have learned that I put myself last; like most women do. Even when we have sex I want him to relax and to be stress free. I want to make him feel good, and I forgot that it is okay to let him make me feel good. I am worth the time he is willing to put in. Somewhere along the way I had forgotten this.
There are several quizzes throughout "The Elusive Orgasm", but the one that got to me the most was when she gave a exercise that was meant to stimulate the body through the mind. The author asked me to sit back and close my eyes. I was to fill my mind with visions of sex in as much detail as possible. At first I really couldn't do it. I persisted and after a few times I could feel myself getting aroused. I was shocked! I never thought of myself as being a visual person. I was able to make myself feel good just by thinking. I could have masturbated at that point but I wanted to just feel what I did without the distraction. It was a great feeling of letting go and doing something different.

I am telling myself, every day, that I am worth the time I am putting in. I am also trying to take time during the day to stop and really feel how I feel. I have to say this is weird! Most of the time all I come up with is I'm tired. I find that I can feel how each body part feels. Like; my back may hurt but when I focus on the sensations I find that I am somewhat turned on. I never stopped to notice this before and it's great. I know now that I can simply feel and stimulate myself. I know, now, that my husband can stimulate me as well. I know that I am on the right track because I am feeling very different about myself.

To keep me on track I wrote all my answers to my quizzes in my book. It has all my personal answers in the margins. I am going to let my husband read through it someday. I think if he sees and reads some of the book he can understand me better; how I work, so to speak, and it will make things easier for him.
I have already tried to come up with some of the answers to the problems I have. We are getting ready to move so the one thing we are going to fix is having the kids on another floor or on the other side of the house. This will let me relax and let go, and hopefully enjoy my orgasm. I am also working on letting him give me oral. I love when he does this but for some reason I have been unable to completely relax.
This whole process is slow, but I have learned so much in just a short time. I will keep working on this and will let everyone know if I find my "O".