So, you’re in a new relationship, and everything seems to be going well. You and your new partner are getting along swimmingly, and you feel like you might’ve found the one. Then it occurs to you – have you told them about your sex toy collection? When realize that you’ve yet to tell them, nerves set in. How will they react? Will they think you’re disgusting? Will they be game for playing, too? Or will they ask you to abandon your collection?
This dilemma can be particularly intimidating if you own toys that might seem a little bit kinkier than others. For instance, a masturbation sleeve or a vibrator is pretty basic, but a collection of butt plugs or prostate massagers can be a little harder to show a new partner. In my case, the hardest thing to explain has been my collection of BDSM gear. For some reason, introducing my collection of nipple clamps, handcuffs, and ball gags can be difficult in a new relationship.
Some people might argue that it’s best to keep your collection to yourself until after you’ve been with your partner for a long while. In fact, I’ve even been told that I shouldn’t tell my new partner until he and I are ready to move in with one another. Other people have gone so far as to tell me that I should pick just one or two easy to hide toys, and only use them when I’m alone. Then, of course, there’s the advice that tells me that I should throw them all out, because “toys are only for single people!”
My issue with all of that is… well, it’s just really awful advice. I believe that it’s essential to be honest about your toy collection early on. Your toy collection is something you enjoy, and it likely represents some of your deepest desires and needs -- why would you lie to your lover about that? In order for you and your lover to have a strong relationship, both of your needs have to be met, and your needs won’t be met if you keep them stifled.
Bringing them up is no easy task, though. I don’t believe that there’s any fail proof way of bringing it up, nor do I think that there’s just one way of going about it. I do, however, believe that good communication is a must in this case. You need to properly communicate the fact that sex toys are not a replacement to your lover. You need to let him know that he does please you, and that the toys are simply another way that you gain pleasure. If you wish to include the toys in your love making, stress that the toys are an enhancement for both you. You could, perhaps, even allow your partner to pick a toy to use on you. When he’s using the toy on you, make sure that you pay more attention to him, than you do the toy.
In regards to the more kinky toys in my collection, I’ve found that discussing fantasies prior to showing the toys can be helpful. This takes a bit of bravery, but I find that asking my partner what his fantasies are helps get the ball rolling. Once he shares his fantasy (or even if he gets shy and doesn’t), it always leads to him asking what mine is in return. Here, the key is to be as open and honest as you can.
Regardless of how you choose to bring up the toys, just remember to be patient with your lover. Don’t push them into trying out toys, and don’t get angry with them if they get upset about it. Be patient and understanding – listen to your lovers concerns, and talk about them. At the same time, don’t forget to be open and honest. After all, if you’re not honest about your desires and needs, they will never be met, and overtime, those unmet needs will harm the relationship.
Now, dear reader, have you any thoughts on how to make the sex toy conversation easier for both partners?