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The Triumph Of A Human Punching Bag.

The Triumph Of A Human Punching Bag. S.J.
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Have you ever watched someone practicing their punching and speed on a small punching bag that is dangling on a chain hanging from the ceiling? The little bag flying back and forth, never veering from its path as it goes back time after time for another punch? Have you ever wondered what would happen if only one time that little punching bag veered off course and actually fought back? Once upon a time I was a little punching bag, and I veered off course and fought back. This is my story...

  New beginnings--Honestly.

It was not easy to rebuild trust, hope and to have faith in our relationship again. The first few arguments we had sent me out the door faster than a racehorse off the gate. Time and more counseling did help and I learned to stay and work our differences out by talking--not shouting, to stop being so defensive and hostile at perceived insinuations, to quit reading between lines that were not there.

Leroy had some issues, too. It was too easy to go to the store and grab some beer when he got upset. This was better than the whiskey he became violent on, but it created its own issues. It wasn't an easy road we were on, but over the next couple of years, it slowly got smoother and we learned to trust each other.

Amazingly, the one area that never took a hit in our relationship was our sexual compatibility. We could always make that work out for us and we both had the same strong sex drive. This was a new aspect for me, since my physical diseases prior to our relationship had made sex very painful. I was still a bit of a prude, okay a lot of one--but I did have a bit of a reason. Painful sex does not make a person adventurous. Now that I lacked the pain, I also lacked confidence in myself as a sexual being. Leroy changed that and made me feel like the sexiest person alive. If only I didn't have stretch marks or a tummy pooch...

I had started to watch porn and enjoy it and also had a couple pocket rockets that were pretty fun. I thought we were the naughtiest couple ever!! I even started to wear lingerie and with the hiding of my stomach--I had gotten pretty daring!! I was a 'wild' woman!!

We had taken our communication level to a new extreme and could talk about almost anything that came to mind. This was due in part to working through the abuse and making a new commitment to each other. A gentler commitment, we had been through the depths of hell together and emerged loving partners. We had risked everything and now knew how fragile and strong our relationship was. We were finally in it for the long haul.

Enter Eden...I found the site and Leroy was cautious. He told me I better really look into it first, before joining--I wanted to join right now!! I waited, oh...an hour, until he went to mow the yard, then signed up. When he came back in the house, I was a member of Eden and was well on my way to getting my first item for review. When I asked for that item later and it was being sent to me with free shipping, his skepticism was still on high. After we received the item and I reviewed it, received enough points to make an order and went through with the order--he was as committed as I am!!

We made plans--picked toys and realized that even though we were far more open with each other than most anyone we know--we could have even more fun and play harder than before!! No more agonizing trips to the nearest adult store 120 miles away!! No more guessing about what might or might not work for us!! Life is good and our sex life, well...let's just say I have reviewed over 400 items and have many more to go.

With the help of counseling, alcohol treatment and a strong sex life, we have overcome an enormous obstacle. We also truly loved each other and had a deep and lasting bond that tied us together, that was strong enough to last while we worked through some very deep and damaging issues. We made it through the worst of times and even though our life is not perfect, it is solid.

  Do Not Try This At Home...

It is not easy to make a relationship work out when there was serious, violent abuse happening in the past. The abuser is usually the one with major issues and most of the time, they are in denial. After all, no one wants to admit the sense of power and the thrill they get from punishing and hitting another into submission. Abusers also are generally not going to get help or work on their issues, after all, in their own mind, it usually is not their fault. However Leroy did get help, he worked on his issues alone and with me during counseling sessions. He went to treatment for his alcoholism and worked very hard at changing the violent alcoholic he used to be. He made on hell of an effort to change and it worked.

I am also not entirely blameless. I took the abuse, internalized it and lived as a victim. I became self-righteous, helpless and was an enabler. The violence is uncalled for--unforgivable even, but holding it over his head?? Also unforgivable. Hindsight is 20/20--but what we have overcome in order to build the relationship we have now is incredible. It also goes to show that not all abusers are hopeless. Some of them can change, can learn new ways to cope and can be loving partners eventually.

Do not EVER stay in an abusive relationship. Get out and then decide what is to happen in the future. Not all abusers are willing to go to such extremes to change. As a matter of fact, it is very rare that they do. I realize that my situation is pretty rare and our relationship is very unique. I am a lucky woman to have survived the abuse, much less to have the relationship change and develop into a lasting and happy marriage. We still have our rough times, but overall--damn, I love that man!!! And now I know he loves me as well.

If you are in an abusive relationship, call your nearest S.A.F.E. house and get some help. They are there for YOU--and the people you will talk to do understand. They are usually former victims, themselves.

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