The Triumph Of A Human Punching Bag.

The counselor grabbed my arm and hustled me out of the room after I screamed this at my soon-to-be ex-husband. She took me into her office, sat me down and told me to get a hold of myself, to calm down and really think about what I was doing. Was my anger and screaming any more productive than his hitting me for so many years? Wouldn't it be better for me to let go of my anger, focus on healing and let the past be left in the past, revisited only to prevent the same mistakes from being made in the future?

After a long, stubborn and brutally honest look at myself, I realized that by holding on to the abuse and the violence, the only person I was hurting was indeed, myself. This did not mean forgetting about the incidents, or allowing them to continue--but it did mean letting go of the 'hold' I dangled over Leroy's head every time something did not go my way.

Leroy and I are married. At the time of the angry outburst in the therapist's office, I had filed for divorce and was letting go of our relationship. There had been some serious and violent abuse towards me and I had finally had enough, I was leaving. Leroy and I were at the worst downward spiral of our relationship. This counseling session was my security blanket for having to deal with the apology requirement of his alcohol treatment. But it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to our relationship.

Leroy and I had always had a bond between us. From the first moment we saw each other we were intensely drawn to each other. We ended up being friends for about three years before we started our relationship, but once we decided to give us a try---the flame went crazy!! The bond we had was cemented and all the good and bad in our relationship was magnified. He was an alcoholic and an abuser, I was the perfect doormat. He was the leader and I was the reluctant follower. We were happy lovers together. I made him my hero, he tried to disillusion me. But through all the trials, tribulations, elation, happy times and abuse--there was the two of us, together, loving each other.

The abuse started out small and grew out of control, and I let it happen. I would never think to stand up for myself, to fight back or to protect myself. I grew up abused, so it was the devil I knew. After too many years of all the pressure building, of learning that I was a person with rights as well, of taking it and never standing up for myself...all hell broke loose. I fought back, left and filed for divorce. And finally, after all that, Leroy went to alcohol treatment. And I was pissed!!!

Why wait until we were finished to do the one thing that would have helped the relationship, that would have ended the abuse? He was only violent with me when he was drunk, and he waits until I leave to get help?? Well, fine, maybe it will help the next person to come along in his life, I thought. (Though even thinking about another person with him made me feel like I was being gutted with a hot knife.) I was self-righteous and I was finished.

I did have reason for my feelings, the hitting does take a toll on your mental well being. It can make you very timid, scared and angry. Angry at the person who hit you and angry at yourself for allowing it to happen. It can also make you react very childishly, since much of your emotions are hidden from others in this situation. You do not want others to know how stupid and helpless you feel in private.

When this meeting was set up, Leroy had completed his treatment and wanted to meet and apologize to me for the damage to me personally and to our relationship. I agreed, partly due to wanting to see him grovel and also because I was lost without him. I was as messed up as he was, but did not see it yet. And then I shouted out those few words that changed the path of our lives...for the better.

I did think about why I yelled at him, all the anger festering inside, the pain I could not hide anymore. I also thought about the reality of our relationship, the closeness we had when he was sober, the great times in our life together that was unparalleled by any other relationship. I thought about how we knew each other inside and out, how we loved each other so deeply and how it had been destroyed in part by bad habits and addiction.

I used to drink with him to avoid having to deal with his anger when I didn't want to drink. I became resentful, making little pokes and probes to even the score. No--he should not have hit me EVER, but I will admit, some of it was provoked. I was not entirely blameless in our cycle of abuse. Did you know the abuser will sometimes get the abuse 'out of the way' by provoking it and letting it happen. That way they can go back to the honeymoon period of the cycle sooner and everything will be okay again. This was the cycle of our relationship. Even though I would not fight back, I would poke and prod and therefore contribute to the situation.

When Leroy told me about how he felt about hitting me, abusing me and the mental damage, he realized I had gone through, I fell apart. I admitted to my part in the cycle and the counselor asked if we thought there was any part of the relationship that could be salvaged. I cautiously thought maybe we could be friends---Leroy wanted it all. And he was willing to do anything it would take to get it all back. He wanted us to be married, to be partners, to love and support each other for the rest of our lives. I was not willing to go quite that far, but agreed to put our divorce on hold. I would see what could be salvaged out of the mess we had made of a great relationship.

After about four months of very intense counseling, we cancelled the divorce proceedings. The bond that drew us together was stronger than ever and we realized that without the addiction causing him to resort to violence and my resentfulness egging it on--we could be happy again. I moved back in to our home and we made a new life together.