Sex is fun. I think we all have realized that over time. And like anything, you begin to figure out what you like over time. If you are in a relationship and are together for some time, you will begin to find a routine or set of things that you do in bed that you both enjoy. You know what I'm talking about. She likes her neck kissed this way, you want to be touched there, and everyone is happy.
And some people are perfectly happy with the status quo. I will admit that I am not one of those people. Since I discovered sex I've been pushing the envelope. Not on a constant basis, but I am always exploring, reading and figuring out if it is something that I would enjoy doing with my partner. And over time I've introduced a lot of things into my relationships that weren't part of our tried and true patterns. Some things worked and some things didn't. So I thought I would go through and talk about some of my experiences and the methods that are best when you are trying to introduce something new to your partner.
Introducing something into the bedroom can be scary, not only for your partner but you as well. There’s always that moment just before you broach the subject when you’re petrified about how your lover will react to what you are about to tell them. Some things are very tame and you shouldn’t feel too nervous, but in cases like introducing BDSM into a relationship I will tell you that there are some nerves involved. Your partner is also going to surprised when you bring this up usually, unless you’ve been hinting around at it for awhile. They might not be totally into it at first. They will more than likely need some time to adjust and think about what you have brought up. You shouldn’t take this as a rejection of you or the idea that you have brought up, just know that they will probably need a little bit of time for this to sink in.
I’ve introduced lots of different things into the sexual dynamic within my relationship and I’ve had lots of different reactions based on not only what I’m trying to introduce, but the conditions in which I’m introducing them as well. I thought I would go through and give you a few tips that I have learned through the years that seem to help when introducing something new to your lover.
1. Introduce this at the right time - There are certain times where your lover is going to be open and excited about new ideas and there are other times when they are not going to be receptive to your ideas, even if you’re suggesting something as innocuous as dinner. Before you think about bringing up the idea that you have been ruminating on for some time, make sure to see how your partner’s day was first. If they tell you that their day was awful, or stressful and launch into a twenty-minute rant about what an idiot their boss is, you might want to rethink mentioning the idea of a threesome. If they say that they had a good day or are bubbly when arriving home, your timing might be right.
Like almost everything in a relationship, you need to be able to read your partner and know when it’s not the right time to bring something up just because you want to. If they are not in the right frame of mind, your partner won’t feel as open and as receptive to your ideas as they might at some other time when their mood is different.
2. Don’t ambush them- In some way you are going to ambush your partner when you bring up something new; it’s just the way that it is. You will be bringing up something that they may not have ever thought of. And unless you’ve been hinting at it subtly for some time, they probably won’t have an idea that you are going to bring up something.
That being said, don’t drop a bombshell like that you want to open up your marriage to other people right when your partner is walking through the door. I think that any conversation like this needs to take place when both of you have time to have a discussion about it, and when both of you are at least somewhat relaxed. Your partner is still decompressing when they come through the door in the afternoon, but later on in the evening during dinner and over some wine this might be the perfect time to broach the topic.
Also I wouldn’t suggest bringing this up right before you go to sleep or right when you wake up in the morning. Bringing up a topic like this right before going to sleep can jar someone and leave them awake and pondering your request long after you’ve gone to dreamland. Or if you bring it up in the morning before your partner has had their coffee and truly woken up, your reception might not be as warm as you hoped it would be.
3. Make sure you aren’t being too pushy- Let’s say that your partner is in the right frame of mind and that you’ve found the perfect time to broach the subject to them. Again, you’re bringing something up your partner probably won’t be expecting. And you’re talking about changing or adding to your sex life. One of the first reactions that most people will have is to be defensive. It could seem to your partner that you are saying “This isn’t enough,” when you’re talking about your sex life. You need to make sure that you bring this up in a way that assures your partner that you are happy and satisfied with your sex life (which I hope you are) and that you are only hoping to expand your sexual boundaries and hopefully both of you will receive even more sexual pleasure from this new thing that you are hoping to introduce. Hopefully if you present it in this context your partner will look at the suggestion more objectively and give it some serious thought.
4. See what they think - Just because you’re the one with the idea at the moment doesn’t mean that your partner hasn’t been thinking about new things as well. This could be a perfect time for both of you to share some deep lying fantasies that could revolutionize your love life. Ask your partner what they are feeling and thinking about. Maybe they have something that they have wanted to share but have been too nervous to do so yet. If you are sharing something, perhaps they will feel comfortable enough to do the same. You will both be emotionally vulnerable and if you share openly and honestly you will both achieve a level of intimacy that can only be a benefit to your relationship.
I’m no expert in broaching sensitive subjects, believe me. I’m sharing all of this because I’ve done all of the wrong things that I’ve mentioned here at some point or another and have learned from my mistakes and want to share with you. Bringing up something new is scary, but it can be great and open both of you up sexually if you go about it the right way. Good luck, and have fun with whatever you’re dreaming up.