Angel is redefining gender and educating us all on the fluidity of sexuality and gender identity politics—and it’s not about what’s between your legs. Angel is 100 percent guy. He identifies as a man, and has thought long and hard about what that means. Everyone’s journey is unique, but his is more unique than most. What he’s learned along the way may surprise you.
So, Buck, what’s missing from the conversation about male sexuality?
Men and women try to understand each other, but we don’t because we don’t have the right information.
Growing up, where did you get your information?
My family was really closed down around sex. My mom put on a record about the birds and the bees. She was too embarrassed to talk about it. I will never forget that. I was 13 at the time—which I think was pretty late. I was very sexual as a child. I was a chronic masturbator, which I would get in trouble for all the time … But if we could teach women how men really are, and if we could teach men how women really are, I think the interaction between [men and women] would be so much more amazing.
There’s data that suggests trans people (female to male) report a different inner sexual experience after the transition; from a biological side they want to “top” more. The way they view sex has changed.
I’m doing a feature film on that specific topic: transmen and their partners and how the hormones have affected their sexuality. I believe 100 percent that the hormones are that powerful. Every guy I’ve interviewed has had the same experiences. Sometimes their sexuality changed. Where before they were just into women, now they are into women and men. Or now they’re just into men and identify as gay. Their sexual drive has changed. Their turn-ons and turn-offs have changed. That’s just hormones in your body and how that can literally change the way your mind thinks about sex.
How has it affected you?
I think and interact totally different from how I did when I was female and had little testosterone in my body. Even though I was a very masculine female, even though I really thought of myself as a man, I wasn’t masculine. I was much more sensitive, I cried easier. I looked at things differently. And the way I view things sexually changed. Little things turn me on.
I notice women’s tits. I’ll sometimes notice myself looking at her tits through her shirt, getting totally turned on by that for no reason. That would have never happened to me before the hormones. Sometimes I just think—I don’t know—dirty thoughts. (laughs) I wonder how a woman’s underwear smells after she’s been on a bicycle seat for an hour. I would have never done that before, and that’s from testosterone. I saw myself change stereotypically to male in a lot of ways.
I have to ask about the culture of masculinity because you are aesthetically, very masculine.
I’m going to be shallow here. I’ve always dreamt of having a muscular body. Pectoral muscles on my chest. Being able to take my clothes off. Having a mustache. To aspire and to get to what I’ve dreamt of being ... I can’t tell you how happy it makes me. I can’t even tell you.
Sadly, masculinity is just not in vogue at the moment.
In the gay man’s world masculinity is celebrated. More of my stuff is around the leather community, which is ultra-masculine. We smoke cigars and wear leather pants … lick each other’s boots. We have facial hair and we stink and we don’t wear deodorant and we sweat. But then there’s times when we want to put on a suit and hang out. It celebrates masculinity. It’s quite fascinating that in the straight men’s world, they don’t celebrate it. And when they do they’re called “metrosexuals,” and then that became a big joke.
What do you think about that aspect of masculinity starting to be celebrated by the queer community, with genderqueer people?
Very masculine women are not accepted in society. The dykes and the hardcore ones get pushed the hardest. People don’t like to see very masculine women or they don’t want to see very feminine men—they make fun of them. But a problem I have is that I [worry] a lot of people are transitioning for the wrong reason—female to male transsexuals. I think what’s happening is a lot of people don’t understand what it means to have a sex change. Transgender. Trans-queer. F to M. Just because you feel masculine doesn’t make you a man.
Is the whole genderqueer thing is disrespectful to trans people? Is it negating the long struggle trans people have had—even in fitting into the LGBTQ lexicon?
It’s frustrating for me. The fact that people are molding or un-molding gender takes away from the fact that it is a life-threatening situation for us. If I am fighting to get out of this body because I believe I’m male what does that mean? That means gender exists.
Part of what we’re skating around is that it’s hard to define. So many parts of us are fluid. We all have masculine parts, but then there’s the part that makes you “you.” And there’s biology there. There’s psychology there...
When someone asks me the question what does it mean to be a man, it’s really difficult to answer.
As a philosophical question, I can’t answer what it means to be a woman.
It’s a very weird question because it means something different for everyone. For me, it means my physical body is now in tune to my inner being. Now I can look at myself in the mirror, now I can take my clothes off, now I can interact with people and feel like they’re looking at me. To me, that’s what it means to be a man—that my outer body resembles a genetic male body.
What have you learned about masculinity, living as a woman?
To be honest with you, the best thing to happen to me as a man was to live as a woman. I wouldn’t have said that before, but now I feel it was a blessing in disguise: to have experienced life from a woman’s eyes in society. Now I am a much more sensitive man. I’m not embarrassed to talk about things that turn me on or that might be a little weird. I don’t think a lot of straight men feel comfortable talking about their sexuality—not so much their sexuality, but what turns them on and how they feel. I think there is a misconception of me. They are more emotional than society lets them be.
Why do you think transsexual male-to-female porn is the number two in the industry? Number one is gay. Who is the consumer of transsexual women’s porn? Straight men. It’s a way for them to suck cock or get fucked. They don’t have the tools or the freedom socially to say, “Hey, I’d like to suck a cock a little once in a while, and that’s okay.”