I had no problems getting laid or finding girlfriends before I started taking testosterone. I loved sex. But I never was comfortable getting penetrated vaginally. It always felt very female to me, or maybe more as if I were being weak. I don’t feel that way anymore. It seems weird to admit it now. The thought that I even had an issue with my vagina seems so far away, I can barely remember having those feelings.
Many of my girlfriends or sex partners wanted to penetrate me, but I was always too afraid to go there; afraid of what it would make me. Butch dykes are conditioned never to go there. That is a bad place. Of course, back in the day, there were no FTMs, so the only community I fit in was the Dyke community.
I knew I didn’t really belong there, but it was the place that made me feel the most “normal.” This is one of the reasons I dislike “community.” Once you belong to a community, they never give you the freedom to just be an individual; they always have these damn rules that screw your head up if you don’t follow them.
Back in the day, I was also a raging alcoholic. I would have to get really drunk to just let myself go and have a good time. That says lots don’t you think? I know my alcoholism came from my gender issues. I did not feel the least bit comfortable in my body just walking around in the world, how the hell was I going to feel comfortable having sex? The alcohol facilitated that, though. It made me feel like I could do anything and not give a shit what anyone thought of me. The irony is that, as I said before, I was a very sexual person. I was horny all the time and constantly seeking out sex partners. But when it came down to doing the deed, I needed to get drunk first.
Then I got sober. (That’s a whole other story.) It was through sobriety that I really started to feel myself and know that I had to get out of that female body or die. That’s when I began my transition. With a clean body and mind, I knew I was doing the right thing.
I will never forget my first shot of testosterone. It was a life-changing experience. It wasn’t until the third shot really that I really started to feel the effects of the testosterone on my libido. Holy cow! I was already a sex freak, but remember thinking, Are you kidding?!
I wanted to screw all day and night. I could not get enough. My clit was so sensitive that just running your finger over it was enough for me to shoot my load. I was thinking this must be how a boy going through puberty feels.
This is when things truly changed for me, and I started to not be able to control my thoughts of wanted to get penetrated. I also started having thoughts of having sex with men. I’d never had sex with men before my change. I was always just into women, and that was totally fine. (I did have a “boyfriend” when I was in high school, but again, that’s another story for down the road.)
So there I was, feeling like a big sex pig, wanting to get my hole plowed and feeling really weird, and I guess sort of ashamed about the new desires I was experiencing. I think that was leftover programming from my days in the dyke community, but the power of T was not going to let me say no!
The first time I actually got penetrated after starting testosterone, I was by myself. I was jacking off again for like the fifth time that day and my fingers just slowly found themselves at the entrance to my hole. It felt so wet and inviting. It felt sooooo good. I rubbed the outside of my vagina as I was using the magic wand to jack my clit. I felt my hole open as if to say, “Come on already. Fuck me!” Then I just plunged right in.
OMG! I think I came like right that second. I had never felt anything like that in my life. I just keep pushing my fingers in and out and the juice was flowing like crazy. I came twice. It was the most amazing sex experience I had had. I know that sounds kind of weird, but you have to realize, I’d never done it before. The testosterone made my body a sex machine. It was like magic. I was hooked!
This is one of the reasons why I feel so strong about my message to accept your body. Look how long it to me to come to terms with my own vagina and be able to enjoy it, just because years ago I was told that it was NOT okay to enjoy my vagina and be a dyke.
The same thing goes on today with the growth of the FTM (female to male) transgender community. The message is that unless you are getting a penis, it’s not okay to feel comfortable with your genitals. It’s as if they’re saying, “If you enjoy or even think of your vagina then you are not a man.”
It’s infuriating. We are all individuals and should be able to enjoy our bodies however we wish, without having to deal with others telling us we are “wrong”—and that is especially true when the negativity comes from your own peers. You’d think they’d have more compassion and understanding, not less. WTF?
Needless to say, I am not a big favorite in the “transman” community. But mark my words, somewhere down the road, you’re going to see more guys calling themselves “a man with a pussy”—just like me!