Why Write a Contract?
When people hear the terms "BDSM," "Dominant," "submissive," and the likes, they interpret them differently. If you and your partner decide that this is something you want to pursue but don't know where to start, coming up with a contract, going over it together, and revising it can be an excellent way to open the lines of communication. It can be as simple as a paragraph, or as complex as a multi-page document. Personally, I'm a fan of being thorough.
When I wrote our contract, I did a lot of research on the internet beforehand. I looked at examples of contracts and articles on what should be included. There is a plethora of information that can be found simply by Googling "BDSM Contract." But most importantly, I talked to my partner. We talked about our limits, we talked about what different terms meant to us, and we decided what we both wanted to get out of the experience.
Writing and signing a contract can also help with the power exchange in general. Instead of saying "Yeah, lets try this" and then fumbling your way through it, a contract helps you to say "This is when we are starting, and this is what we are trying to accomplish." It also helps you to get more into the "role" because it makes it seem more official.
We are married, have always had an interest in BDSM, and recently decided to pursue a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE). I am the Dominant, and he is my submissive.
For your reference, below, I've shared our contract. I've broken it into sections to make it easier to read, and also included personal notes about each section. It's important to note that in most places, BDSM contracts are not legally enforceable.
Section 1: The Terms
AGREEMENT
Upon signing, this is a binding contract between the Dominant and the submissive.
1. TERMS
1.1. CONTRACT
1.1.1. This contract will be in effect for 3 months, unless other terms are agreed upon later.
1.1.2. This contract can be extended at any time, with consent from both parties.
1.1.3. Alterations can be made to this contract, in respect to the terms set forth in SUBSECTION 1.4 and SECTION 2.
1.1.4. The parties enter into this contract on the signed date, fully aware of its nature, and undertake to abide by its conditions, without exception.
1.2. SAFETY
1.2.1. The Dominant and submissive agree that anything discussed, or acted upon, in regards to this contract will be consensual and confidential.
1.2.2. The list of hard and soft limits (SECTION 3) will be strictly adhered to, unless otherwise discussed.
1.2.3. If needed, the following Safewords should be used:
1.2.3.1. RED: This word is to be used when the submissive is beyond his level of endurance, and wants to stop everything immediately.
1.2.3.2. YELLOW: This word is to be used when the submissive is close to his limit of endurance, but does not want to cease all activity.
1.2.4. The submissive will not be punished, in any way, for using the Safewords.
1.3. AVAILABILITY
1.3.1. The submissive will make himself available to the Dominant at all times.
1.3.2. The submissive must ask permission to do anything that might infract on the time of the Dominant.
1.3.3. The Dominant will respect the work and sleep hours of the submissive.
1.3.4. The Dominant may release the submissive from Her service at any time. The submissive may request his release at any time, and the request will be granted at the discretion of the Dominant.
1.3.5. The terms of this contract are in effect whether we are at home or in public.
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1.4. COMMUNICATION
1.4.1. When the submissive is talking to the Dominant, he must remember his role.
1.4.2. If the submissive needs to express his feelings in a way that is not within his role, or would like to discuss terms related to the contract, he will do so via email.
1.4.3. The submissive will write a journal each day, detailing his feelings on the days events. The journal will end with a list of three things he wants to work on regarding his submissive duties, and a list of three things he is thankful for.
PERSONAL NOTES: We chose three months for the length of our contract because we've already dabbled with this a little bit. We already know we are fairly comfortable in these roles and what to expect. The first time we did this, we set it for a week, but quickly realized that one week wasn't enough to truly adjust to the power exchange, or cope with some of the feelings we had. I recommend that you do a minimum of at least two weeks.
Safewords can be anything you choose, so long as it's something that, more than likely, you wouldn't say during sex on a normal basis. It doesn't matter if it's someone you just met, or someone you've been with for 10 years, safewords, or something equivalent, are a necessity. I've been with my husband for six years, and I know him better than I know the back of my hand, but sometimes things just get too intense. You need a way to "tap out" if you should feel the need to do so. Some people only have one safeword. We decided on having two, because it just seemed better to have a way to say "Woah, slow down" without having to stop everything.
Our schedule is a little weird. He works weekend night shifts and sleeps almost the whole time in between that. We also have four kids, so we discussed how we wanted this to play out. We thought it would be too mentally exhausting to have to switch between our normal power dynamic and this when the kids weren't around (which is rare) or when we are in the presence of company. So we decided to just make things a little more discreet, but have the contract in effect 24/7.
One thing we struggled with is how to keep communication open, but still keep the power exchange. For this reason, we decided that if he needs to talk to me about aspects of the contract, or if he has a problem with something I'm doing, we would communicate via email about it. As a way to make sure that we are constantly in touch with each other's feelings, and striving to meet our goals (mentioned in section 5), I require him to write a journal entry each day and email it to me.
Section 2: Roles & Rights
2. ROLES/RIGHTS
2.1. DOMINANT
2.1.1. EXPECTATIONS
2.1.1.1. The Dominant will never request the submissive to participate in activities that are deemed dangerous, or that are mentioned in SECTION 3.
2.1.1.2. The Dominant will provide a safe environment for the submissive.
2.1.1.3. The Dominant is to provide the submissive with all necessary training, guidance, and materials to properly serve the Dominant.
2.1.1.4. Unless previously discussed, no permanent marks will be left on the submissive during punishment, and there will be no injuries that require medical attention.
2.1.1.5. The Dominant will maintain Her own health and hygiene, in an acceptable manner.
2.1.1.6. The Dominant will not loan Her submissive to another Dominant.
2.1.2. RIGHTS
2.1.2.1. The Dominant accepts the submissive as Her own, to control, dominate, and discipline during the term.
2.1.2.2. The Dominant has the right to use the submissive’s body at any time, in any matter She sees fit, sexually or otherwise.
2.1.2.3. The Dominant may discipline the submissive at any time, to ensure that the submissive fully appreciates his role of subservience, and to discourage unacceptable conduct.
2.2. SUBMISSIVE
2.2.1. EXPECTATIONS
2.2.1.1. The submissive accepts the Dominant as his master, with the understanding that he is now property of the Dominant. He will remember his role in regard to the Dominant at all times.
2.2.1.2. The submissive shall obey the rules set forth in this contract.
2.2.1.3. The submissive shall serve the Dominant in any way, and shall endeavor to please the Dominant at all times, to the best of his ability.
2.2.1.4. The submissive is to obey the Dominant in all things. Subject to the terms and limitations in this contract, the submissive shall offer the Dominant any pleasures She requires, and will accept his training and guidance in whatever form it may take.
2.2.1.5. The submissive will conduct himself in a respectful and modest manner.
2.2.1.6. The submissive will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than the Dominant.
2.2.1.7. The submissive shall be held accountable for any wrongdoings when not in the presence of the Dominant.
2.2.1.8. The submissive will not act or speak in a demeaning way to the Dominant or the children.
2.2.1.9. GENERAL
2.2.1.9.1. The submissive will not touch the Dominant without asking for permission.
2.2.1.10. SLEEP
2.2.1.10.1. The submissive will sleep in bed with the Dominant every night.
2.2.1.10.2. The submissive will be in bed no later than 2 AM on the days he does not work.
2.2.1.10.3. During the workweek, the submissive will come straight home, and go straight to sleep, unless the Dominant has requested otherwise.
2.2.1.10.4. The submissive will make every effort possible to be easy to wake up, and not be rude when he does.
2.2.1.10.5. The submissive will snuggle the Dominant every night, and play with Her hair, as She sees fit.
2.2.1.11. DIET
2.2.1.11.1. The submissive is not allowed to drink alcohol, or use any substance, without first acquiring permission from the Dominant.
2.2.1.11.2. The submissive will not eat onions without prior permission.
2.2.1.12. CLOTHING
2.2.1.12.1. Each day, the submissive will choose his clothing and/or pajamas, and get them approved by the Dominant.
2.2.1.13. HYGIENE/BEAUTY
2.2.1.13.1. The submissive must shower at least every 3rd day.
2.2.1.13.2. The submissive must keep the hair on his genital regions trimmed.
2.2.1.13.3. The submissive will not shave his face clean, and will request permission before drastically altering his facial hair.
2.2.1.13.4. The submissive will not drastically alter his appearance in any way (hair cuts, tattoos, etc.) without permission from the Dominant.
2.2.1.14. HEALTH
2.2.1.14.1. The submissive is responsible for any and all forms of birth control, to be used as he sees fit.
2.2.1.14.2. The submissive shall maintain his good health, shall seek medical attention when needed, and keep the Dominant informed of any health issues (mental or physical) that may arise.
2.2.1.14.3. The submissive will ask permission before smoking a cigarette.
2.2.1.15. HOUSEHOLD
2.2.1.15.1. The submissive shall make sure all dishes are completely done by each Friday.
2.2.1.15.2. The submissive shall make sure that no trashcan is overflowing, and should take it out when needed. He should also make sure to put the trash out at least every two weeks.
2.2.1.15.3. The submissive will paint the Dominant's toenails, at request.
2.2.1.15.4. The submissive will have the table set, every day, before dinner is ready.
2.2.1.15.5. The submissive will spend a block of time, totaling at least one hour each day, playing with the kids. He must do whatever they ask, within reason.
2.2.1.16. SEX
2.2.1.16.1. The submissive shall not pleasure himself sexually, without asking permission from the Dominant.
PERSONAL NOTES: A lot of contracts aren't this detailed. I chose to make it this detailed simply so that he had a thorough list of his requirements. I did a brief outline of what would be expected of me, as the Dominant, and then did his requirements when it comes to various aspects of our lives. Most of the things I included are things that he is already basically in charge of taking care of (trash, dishes, etc.) and others are simply for my own pleasure. You can be as detailed or as simple as you'd like in your own contract.
Section 3: Punishment
3. PUNISHMENT
3.1. The submissive shall accept whippings, floggings, spankings, canings, paddling, or any other discipline administered, without hesitation, inquiry, or complaint.
3.2. The Dominant may restrain the submissive at any time, for any reason, and any length of time, with regard to safety.
3.3. The submissive will not look into the eyes of the Dominant during punishment, unless requested.
3.4. Each night, after the kids go to bed, the submissive is required to ask if punishment will be administered that night.
3.5. In the event that punishment will be administered, unless other instructions are given, the submissive shall go to the bedroom, strip off all of his clothing, and kneel on the bed facing the window. Unless stated otherwise, he will insert his prostate massager, start masturbating, and wait for the Dominant to come in.
PERSONAL NOTES: In theory, most people know that when it comes to a contract like this, if you don't abide by the terms, it's reason for punishment. As I mentioned before, having a contract is not just a good way to open the lines of communication, but it's also a good way to set the tone. Watching my husband read this section, and the look on his face, made my sadistic heart happy. It basically just lays everything on the table so that they know what they are really getting into.
Section 4: Limits
4. LIMITS
4.1. DOMINANT
4.1.1. HARD LIMITS: Anything involving vomit, urine, or feces; Beastiality; Underage Play; Sounding; Necrophilia; Gags; Fire Play; Anal Fisting; Being Hog-Tied; Suspension; Caning (receiving end); Needles; Feet that aren’t mine; Name Calling; Ice; Anything that leaves permanent marks
4.1.2. SOFT LIMITS: Anal Penetration; Temperature Play; Bondage; Swallowing Semen; Deep Throating; Bloodplay; Knifeplay; Electroplay (receiving end); Breath Play; Voyeurism; Vaginal Fisting; Whipping; Paddling; Rape Role Play
4.2. SUBMISSIVE
4.2.1. HARD LIMITS: Sounding; Necrophilia; Anything involving urine, vomit, or feces; Needles; Suspension; Underage Play; Fire Play; Hog Tying; Anal Fisting; Suspension; Rape Role Play
4.2.2. SOFT LIMITS: Blood Play/Vampirism; Electroplay; Vaginal Fisting; Anal Penetration; Voyeurism; Temperature Play; Anything involving another man
PERSONAL NOTES: You might think you know your partner, but regardless, it's still nice to have a tangible list of things that you can't do to them while they are tied up and blindfolded. For us, the term "Hard Limits" means something that we would NEVER do. "Soft Limits" means things that we have done, or want to try, but we don't want it sprung on us, and it requires permission first, or at least a warning. Limits can change, and that's okay. There are things on my soft limit list that years ago would have been a hard limit. There are also things on my hard limit list that were things that I used to like. It's this reason that we chose to renew the contract every three months instead of a longer length of time.
Section 5: Goals
5. GOALS
5.1. DOMINANT
5.1.1. To maintain open and honest communication.
5.1.2. To provide the submissive with any and all tools and reference material he needs to fulfill his goals as a submissive.
5.1.3. To create an open and comfortable environment where the submissive feels safe.
5.1.4. To aid the submissive in creating a positive self-image.
5.2. SUBMISSIVE
5.2.1. To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with the submissive’s ability to serve the Dominant, and limit the submissive’s growth as a submissive.
5.2.2. To maintain open and honest communication, and reveal my thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment.
5.2.3. To strive towards maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic goals.
5.2.4. To work with the Dominant to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual.
5.2.5. To work against any negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these goals.
PERSONAL NOTES: We didn't just want this power exchange to be a game. We wanted it to enhance our relationship and make ourselves better people. We decided to lay all of our goals out, on paper, so that we could see what we were working towards. If your goals are to enhance your sex life, that's fine. Actually sitting down and asking each other what you are trying to accomplish with this power exchange is probably the first step you should take in writing your contract. That way, you can write the rest of your contract while keeping those goals in mind.
Section 6: Conclusion
6. CONCLUSION
6.1. This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of our relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consensual Dominance and submission with the intent of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving both our lives.
6.2. We both understand that cancellation of this contract means a cessation of the control stated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of our relationship as friends, lovers, and husband and wife. Upon cancellation, each of us agrees to offer the other his or Her reasons, and to assess our new needs and situation openly and lovingly.
I, ________________________, with a free mind and an open heart, do request of_______________________ that She accept the submission of my will unto Her and to take me into Her care and guidance, that we may grow together in love, trust and mutual respect. The satisfaction of Her wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to Her. To that end, I offer her use of my time, talents, and abilities. Further, I ask, in sincere humility, that, as my Domme, She accept the keeping of my body for the fulfillment and enhancement of our sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs. To achieve this, She may have unfettered use of me any time, any place, in front of anyone, as She will determine.
I request of _______________________, as my Domme, that She use the power vested in Her role, to mold and shape me, assisting me to grow in strength, character, confidence, and being, and that She continue to help me to develop my artistic and intellectual abilities.
This I, _______________________, do entreat, with lucidity and the realization of what this means, both stated and implied, in the conviction that this offer will be understood in the spirit of faith, caring, esteem and devotion in which it is given.
SIGNED
________________________________________________________________________________
The submissive /Date
________________________________________________________________________________
The Dominant /Date
PERSONAL NOTES: I really wanted the conclusion of this to sound more like a vow, and an understanding that this is only an extension of the relationship we already have. This may not work for you if your relationship is solely based on your power exchange. I also wanted it in writing that he is aware of what he is signing and that he is doing it out of his own will, and not because I forced him to. And, after the list of requirements, I wanted to end it on a softer, loving note.
Overall, this contract is just an example of what works for us. Everyone has a different lifestyle, and things they want out of a power exchange, so there is no right or wrong type of contract as long as you both agree to it. To come up with ours, I wrote a list of sections it should entail, we both wrote separate lists of things we thought each section should entail, and I compiled the final contract based off of that. I finished it while he was at work and left it on the table to find when he got home, right next to my new flogger. He signed it before I even woke up.