"Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."
The Chase Is On...
I was a typical, upper-middle class, stay-at-home wife of an alcoholic who tended to forget he had a family waiting at home for him. Every night, he would go out drinking with the guys from work and show up when they ran out of beer- usually about 8 or 9pm. I did not ask for much, just for him to call me if he was going to stay after. He couldn't even do that, and I was fed up. I was tired of his broken promises, his lies and his sob stories about how hard he worked and just needed that release. And so the story goes...
In the meantime my best friend, who worked with my husband, was also going through a rough patch in his marriage. His wife had basically shut him out of her life and was completely obsessed with her church and new-found religion. I noticed a huge change in him the night when he told me that his son had come up to him after work, crying broken heartedly. When asked what was wrong, the little guy told him that his mom had said his daddy was going to Hell to be with the devil because he would not stop listening to his rock music.
I noticed a stillness, a dead quality about his tone when he spoke of the situation. It was a tone I fully recognized, it was the exact same one I used when talking about my issues with my husband. I gave him a hug, told him I was sorry that he had to see his son go through that and shortly afterwards, I went home. We had a weekly habit of discussing our issues at the local tavern, the only place open in the small town we lived in. My husband knew all about it and had absolutely no concerns. He was actually glad I had a male friend to go out with and to give me some company.
The next time I saw him was a few days later, he stopped by the house and had a couple beers with my husband and I. It was later in the evening and my husband was already pretty lit, but it was my first beer and I didn't care if he stopped by, actually it was pretty nice to see him before our usual bitch-fest. That night I told him that I was out of there after Christmas. I would wait the three months so my daughter would have a good holiday, but there was no way I could take more of the neglect and arguments. It was just not healthy for my child or me. Leroy nodded and said he saw that one coming, and then he winked at me.
When he joked around about us getting together, I laughed as usual and brushed him off the same way I had been doing for the last two years. We both knew he was only joking, so it was no big deal. Little did he know, during the day while my husband was at work, I was fantasizing about him and getting off to all the wonderful wicked things I could think of him doing to me. And damn, it was good! Seriously though, fantasizing is right where it stopped- I was no cheater!
See What You Do To Me...
My husband and I had just had a huge fight and I left to go cool down. I put some gas in my car and guess who showed up? Leroy! Man, was I glad to see him, I sure did need a friend to bitch to. We decided to forgo the tavern and take a drive in the hills, an activity we did frequently since I loved to drive at night, to look at the lights in the valley and breathe in the clean mountain air.
After I told him, yet again, my sad tale of woe and anger, Leroy looked over at me and asked me why I had stayed for so long. Why hadn't I left sooner, before it had escalated to the fighting? It was a simple answer, I was not finished with the relationship then, it was not done. We sat in a comfortable silence, drinking our beer and looking at the view. When Leroy looked over at me and asked me why... I interrupted him letting him know I was not in the mood for the joke. I mean, come on, he was my friend- we were never getting together and after two years the fantasy had run its course!
With a shrug of his shoulders, the moment was over and we went back to our peaceful silence. I had finally relaxed and was feeling at peace when he grabbed my hand, placed it over his hard-on and quietly told me, "see what you do to me?" As soon as I felt him, straining against the buttons of his Levis- I quit thinking. Instantly, I was ready in every way- a definite first for me. An hour later, I told him that could never happen again. I would not be the other woman, I was not a cheater! He agreed.
We honestly had good intentions, neither one of us was ready for anything and we were both still married at the time. It was just not going to ever work out. Maybe we should back the friendship off a bit and just cool our jets. Yep, that is what we would do- we would just casually stop meeting every week and let our mistake fade into the woodwork.
"Seriously??!! You Have Got To Be Kidding Me!"
I decided to get a part time job at the gas station the next day to help me to avoid temptation. I would work either a 6 to midnight shift or full graveyard and was off in time to run my daughter to school. Perfect. If it was not busy at 10pm, they would let me go home early. Just when I got off, you know who had pulled up to get gas. Twenty minutes later we were all over the seat of his truck- buck naked and getting busy! It is actually pretty amazing the amount of positions you can do on a single truck seat!
Those fantasies I had- were watered down compared to the real thing! I am seriously surprised that we did not set that truck on fire. Or my Camaro, that had a back seat that was real big! Then, after a week, he told me that he loved me. Seriously??!! You Have Got To Be Kidding Me! The world stopped...my heart was racing, my hands were sweating and I was scared! It was too soon, we were married- to other people, and we were having an affair- what the Hell? I couldn't answer, I just could not do it! Seriously, no- I did not love him, I could not love him.
A couple days later I had to go out of town, Leroy went with me and that was an amazing night! We cuddled, and found out how perfectly we fit together, when we woke up in the morning we were looking at each other. I kissed him softly, and told him I loved him too. We spent the day talking about how amazing it was to follow the paths in our lives that took us to each other, how horrible what we were doing was and how much it would hurt everyone if we got found out. We tried to find a solution. For the next two months, we kept trying to figure out a way to be together and not hurt the people we were married to but guess what? There isn't one!
"Someone's Going To Get Hurt, Before You're Through..."
I did move out and file for divorce right after Christmas as I had planned. I had a small trailer, my daughter part of the time and my dog. Leroy would hide his car a couple miles away when my daughter was with her dad and I would go pick him up. At this point, my soon-to-be ex had decided that he wanted to make our marriage work out. It was too late- for more reasons than he thought. Leroy and I had another blissful, adulterous, cheating month of hot sex and reassuring each other how perfect and right we were together.
Then the tie-rod end on my Camaro broke, I had to drive the car, with one wheel pointed inwards, to the repair shop down the road a couple miles- rubber screaming and smoking the whole way. Of course, Leroy was with me and had absolutely no defense when my soon-to-be ex pulled up after seeing my broken front end, wanting to make sure I was okay.
All Hell broke loose! You see, they still both worked together at the same place and had the same seniority. My ex was a drunk, but he was no idiot... he knew exactly why we would never get back together now and he made sure Leroy's wife was just as well informed. I have never felt more ashamed, disgusting, cheap, low or dirty in my whole life. I was a home-wrecker, the other woman, basically a whore. I could not believe the person I had become. I give my ex full credit, he took the situation better than I would have. Seriously, I would have shot him and the bitch if I would have been in his shoes, but my temper can get away from me.
Within a few hours, the whole small town knew about what we had done. My employers, Leroy's employers- everyone! Family members would not return my calls, friends scattered like flies and I was alone. I walked down to pick up my car, the mechanic's wife dealt with me and hustled my ass right out that door! I stopped at the gas station for cigarettes- everyone quit talking and either stared at me or pretended I was not there... and I deserved all that and more. I could not look at myself in the mirror, I was so horrified and ashamed.
Everyone says that it is the getting caught that makes you regret having an affair. No, it isn't. It is the people you hurt, who are completely innocent and do not deserve to go through the nightmare! It is having to hear about how badly you have destroyed their lives, how much pain they are in, the desperation they feel at trying to put the pieces back together when they won't fit. It is hearing a heart shatter in a million pieces because you stole their world. And they are innocent. THAT is what you regret. You know what? I haven't even gotten to what this did to our kids, and I won't because that is a different story.
Leroy moved in that night, after all- what else could he do? We both got divorced, rebuilt what we could of the past relationships and focused on making things work with our respective children and each other. I called his ex-wife and we had a very good and cleansing talk, I apologized and she told me that she knew they were headed for a divorce. It was just a bad deal that it had happened the way it did. We did not become friends, but were friendly towards each other. That was very big and generous on her part!
Eventually, Leroy became an Independent Contractor and I became a waitress. Long story short, we have been married sixteen years, raised our separate children together and have weathered some hellacious issues. We are still in love, still believe we belong together and are the right people for each other. Yes, this time the other woman did become the woman- and it worked out.
Does sixteen years justify our actions? Absolutely not! Does sixteen years of loving each other make it worth what we put others through? Damn it, yes. I hate that answer, but I cannot change it. I love this man enough to go against every belief I have and to completely cross the line.
Has he been faithful to me for those sixteen years? You bet your ass! I know better him better than anyone and how he acts when he is cheating... and the same goes for him with me. Neither one of us will ever cheat again- we found out it is not worth the pain caused to other people. Of course, we also have this strange, deep and ever present bond with each other that keeps us together even in our nightmares. Why is it there? We don't know, all we know is it is always present and has pulled us through issues that should have torn us completely apart.
The odds of us working out are so low it is almost impossible. We did, and still are- but most relationships that start out as an affair will not. There are some serious repercussions of the way our relationship began that many people do not consider before they jump into a similar situation. I would like to leave you with some questions, answer them honestly and you may be surprised at what you come up with about yourself.
-Could you set aside the way your relationship started, and never use it against the other person in anger?
-How would you work on trust in a relationship that started from breaking other's trust?
-With children in each relationship, how are you going to deal with the ex-spouse that you wronged?
-How do you handle the shame, disappointment and disgust, in yourself, over what you did to innocent people?
-Could you honestly and truly build a full and complete life with the person you were in an affair with, knowing fully everything that was involved in the situation?