So, firstly I think that we need to talk about why aftercare is necessary, and why the concept was created. It stems from the very nature of BDSM itself; BDSM experiences can be very intense for both parties involved. It can be physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually exhausting on both individuals. I think that it is exhausting for a variety of reasons.

Firstly, roleplaying is often involved. The very nature of roleplaying is to create something new; a new experience with new rules, languages, and acts. An easy example of this is a rape fantasy. A person may have a rape fantasy and want to act one out (quite common); after the fantasy, however, they may feel guilty for having a rape fantasy. It also might have seemed too real, and they may feel similar emotions to someone who was actually just raped.

Physically, BDSM can be quite exhausting. If you are flogging a person for an hour, or if you were flogged for an hour, there can be a fair amount of trauma to your joints and body. It is important to look at them and make sure that nothing serious happened to them. If there is a deep cut, then some first aid should happen. If there was trauma to where internal organs are located, the area should be examined. It should be checked that both people are still physically healthy, and that the scene had no long lasting impacts on their health.

So, as you can see, there are important reasons for aftercare. I think most of these actually can apply to “vanilla” sex (a word used to refer to non-BDSM related sex), as well. However, it gains significant attention within the BDSM community.

So, who should receive aftercare?
Commonly you will see aftercare focusing on the submissive or the bottom. I think this is ridiculous. Both parties were involved in the act, and both partners need aftercare. So, the submissive and the dominant both need care and attention. Some partners need more, others need less, but both still need some, or some exploration initially into how much they need. Being a dominant and pretending to rape someone can be difficult for some people. Dominants can worry they flogged too hard, paddled too hard, did a bit too much, and so forth, and this can be difficult for them. So, they need to be reassured that everything went well. Or, if it didn’t go well, they need to be told what was wrong and how to avoid it in the future.

So, what should be an integral part of aftercare?
The first, I think, is to make sure the person is physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually okay. This is going to be tricky, and it will vary by the individual. Some people need more time to relax before they are responsive. So, you are going to need to be able to judge when your partner is ready to talk. So, you should watch their body language, check their body, and ask them if they are okay. You should also check them over physically, and you should just get a good idea that they are okay. This, again, is going to depend on the person and the nature of the play. The more intense the play was, the more aftercare your partner should receive. So, normally my partner and I just ask each other if we are okay, because our play isn't very intense. If any flogging or paddling was done, we take a look to see if damage was done. During this time a lot of cuddling and touching is done. After this, I will ask her how she feels, watch her face closely, and probe a little bit. I can normally get a pretty good idea of how she's feeling by doing this.

Once you have established that your partner and you are okay, then you can do a post evaluation. So, once my partner and I know that we're both okay, we discuss what happened. We have never done anything that was too intense, however it is important that we know if we ever go too far so that it won't happen again. This is a great time to learn more about your partner and what he/she likes the most. What does he/she dislike the most? So, here I tell my girlfriend all about how it felt for me; what I really liked, and what could be changed. She then tells me the same. We both want to make we had a good time, so some good reflection time on the session is a must.

So, what do you do if something did go wrong?
Again, this is something personal. However, from what I have read, most people suggest just remaining close, reassuring your partner, and discussing it. If the person feels emotional, and like the scene went a bit too far, they can often calm down after awhile. Then, they can talk about it. Water and some food can also help (oftentimes something small and full of calories works well -- so, chocolate, toast and peanut butter, etc.). Also, often, once they have a minute and feel loved, they can talk about it. At this point, you can discuss the issues, and try to help them feel better.

So, to summarize, aftercare is a part of BDSM. BDSM can be a very intense experience that can cause a person to feel a wide array of things once the scene is done. Aftercare should first focus on making sure the person is okay, and then it should reflect on the experience as a foundation of knowledge to build upon.

I hope you have safe and fun experiences. As always, if you have any questions, feel free to ask them in the comments.