Introduction
Before actually discussing what a safeword is, it is important to discuss certain aspects about BDSM. Part of the BDSM acronym is D/s or dominance and submission. In this type of play there is a dominant who is potentially "in charge" of 100 percent of the decisions. This means the submissive has no control. I use quotation marks, because there always should be communication and consent before sexual play. Both parties pretend or role play that there is no this equal communication and consent. An example of this would be a rape fantasy, where one partner "rapes" the other partner. What I want to illustrate here is that there obviously is still consent, and obviously still is communication between partners, but within the context of the role play one person has no say. So back to the rape fantasy example. Within the context of a rape fantasy, if the victim says no that means nothing to the perpetrator. That simply is an expected response and the perpetrator continues on "raping" the victim. Normally within any sexual encounter no means to stop, to slow things down, and potentially stop all sexual activity, but within role play the meaning of no can change so that it means nothing. This is where safewords come in. They are basically an alternative for no. They mean the same thing as no, but are a different word. This allows you to say no during a role playing scene (which can add to its authenticity and sexual thrill) without the play stopping.
Safe Words
I have commonly heard it asked, "Do I need a safeword?" And the answer depends. If no always and I mean always means no, then you have a safeword. That safeword just happens to be no. You can use it at any time to stop the play. If you want to slow down the play then you simply ask for it to be slowed down. If no ever means something other than no then you need a safeword. You always need the ability for both parties to be able to say "I want to stop," or “I want to decrease the intensity." And that is why safe words exist in the first place. You will need to evaluate the type of role playing you want to take on and then decide if you need a safeword. For example if you were roleplaying strangers at a bar meeting for the first time and then going back to your house for casual sex, then no would mean no and there would be no need for a safeword. If you were role-playing a prisoner who is sexually taken advantage of by a prison guard then no would not mean no and you would need a safeword.
Now that you should know if you need a safeword or not we will talk about safewords in more detail. Any word can be a safeword, you could choose "apple," "wind," or "aardvark." The only real condition is that it should not be something said during your sexual activities. It should be something that stands out and the moment either partner hears it they recognize it as a safeword. One of the more common safeword systems is the traffic light system: the words green, yellow, and red. I recommend this safeword system, but you can use your own as well. Here is how the traffic light system works.
Red- This means stop. It means to stop doing whatever you are doing and that the role playing should end. You would want to remove all restraints, stop intercourse, stop using toys, stop everything. This is a full stop safeword and tends to be used when things get overwhelming quite quickly.
Yellow- This safeword means things are getting too intense so back off the intensity, but keep going. So for example if someone was being spanked and the spankings were getting progressively harder, and either party said yellow then the spanking would continue, but the spankings would not continue to get more and more intense. This is basically a milder form of the word red and means stop but continue at the same time.
Green- This means everything is good and to keep going. Honestly I think this is one of the most underutilized safewords. People very commonly talk about having ways to say stop, but not often about how to say continue. Understand that if “no” longer means “no” then it also makes sense that “yes” no longer means “yes." It is therefore harder for either partner to convey that they are enjoying themselves (something I think that is very important during sexual play). It allows both partners to ask each other if they are both still comfortable, which can be psychologically comforting, especially when trying something new.
The benefit of the traffic light system is that it is commonly used by lots of people into BDSM. So if you traveled to a new city, or new town and you met somebody and wanted to play with them, it is likely they would have heard of the traffic light system and would be familiar with it. Also I have never heard anyone use the words green, yellow, or red during normal sexual activity, so they are words that stick out. That being said, though, you can pick any word for a safeword. Some people consider it okay to have only one safeword (this would be one that corresponds to red).
Now there is also a scenario where the submissive or bottom cannot speak, such as when they are gagged and this makes saying a word more problematic. In these scenarios other actions are used. One common one is three short and sharp grunts. Unh Unh Unh! And that is the safeword. Others use signals such as holding a ball and if the ball drops then that is a safeword. You can use the finger squeeze method where the dominant/top places their finger in the bottom/submissives hand the submissive squeezes (normally once for green, two for yellow, three for red). The top/dominant should also watch the body language of the bottom/submissive for indications the activity is getting to be too much.
Then there is one final thing I want to talk about and that is safeword culture. So who can use a safeword? Most people think of the submissive or bottom is the only one who uses the safeword. This is not true. Both the top or dominant, and the bottom or submissive should use safewords.
The top or dominant may feel uncomfortable with an activity. It can be difficult to cause another person physical trauma at times, so it is perfectly reasonable for a top or dominant to use the word. Or the role playing scenario might be making them uncomfortable psychologically. They might not feel comfortable doing the current activity. They might perceive they are not skilled enough, the risks are too high, or they are just not comfortable. It is also really good for a top or dominant to ask “color” to check in with the submissive/bottom and then the submissive/bottom can respond with a color and the top/dominant then knows how the scene is going.
A submissive/bottom can also use a safeword, but sometimes they feel like they should not. They feel like they would disappoint their top/dominant if they did use it. This is not true. Although pushing yourself a little past your comfort zone is fine (it is a learning activity) pushing yourself past where you want to use a safeword is a bad idea. You should never feel like you are disappointing your partner if you use a safeword. Your partner is always concerned with your own safety and wellbeing over some sexual gratification (or at least they should be).
The point here is that safewords should be freely used. If you feel uncomfortable, use one. There is no problem and there should be no hesitation using one. They are also a learning opportunity. If you had to stop the role play you can discuss why you had to stop the role play. And then you can both learn and play next time without having to use a safeword.