Introducing Toys in a Relationship
I started working at a local retail store in July 2008. My fiancé and I met and started talking both in and out of work. We officially started dating in November. Despite how much I liked him, I had a lot of difficulty talking to him about sex toys. I didn’t want him to freak out and leave me.
I’ve been reviewing for EdenFantasys since 2007. By the time I started dating my fiancé, I had quite a pile of sex toys. I was also still receiving and reviewing them. At first, I decided I’d just request “normal” things to review, like lubes. Everyone needs lube. It would be perfectly normal for me to have some new lube.
Unfortunately, I’m a pretty open and honest person. I decided I couldn’t date him if I didn’t tell him about my stockpile of sex toys. I figured if he was cool with it, it would be okay. If not, either I’d make the choice to find a new boyfriend or get rid of the toys.
I started by bringing up the subject of sex toys. I asked him what he thought of them, would he ever be comfortable using them, and other such things. I have a terrible memory, but he essentially said he was okay with some toys. He said that rabbit toys (which I have never liked) and anal toys were too much for him and kind of scared him. He was willing to try a vibrating bullet or something along those lines. From there, it went on to me showing off some of the stuff I had reviewed.
To my surprise, he was actually pretty interested in what I was showing him. He was also interested in the fact that I wrote about the toys I had online. I decided to let him help me pick my next assignment so we could try something out together. I believe it was a simple little traditional vibe or something like that.
The first time we used sex toys was a little awkward. He had never handled one before, so he was trying to figure out how to work them and how to make them work for us. We used a few toys during foreplay, however when we moved on to intercourse we did not use any. A while after we were done, I asked him if he had enjoyed it more with toys than without. I was glad to hear him say, “Yes.”
There’s really no other way to show your interest in sex toys than to start a light discussion about them with your partner. Just bring it up when you’re hanging around watching TV. I don’t suggest bringing it up in the middle of sex or anything, though. Ask your partner’s opinion on them before giving yours. If you want them to respond honestly, they’ll be much more likely to do so if they don’t know your opinion already. Most people just want to please their partners, and those who already know what answer you want may just give it to you to make you happy.
If they’re interested, that’s great. I suggest starting with a smaller, less intimidating toy like a traditional vibe or maybe even a vibrating ring. Starting out with a massive toy with 5 attachments may scare your partner a bit.
If they aren’t interested, discuss it with them. What makes them feel that way? Don’t make your partner feel bad for their opinion. If at all possible, try to come to a compromise. Would they like to watch you use one? Would they be comfortable if you tease them with a small vibe?
There’s nothing wrong with using a sex toy during foreplay or intercourse. It doesn’t mean either partner is performing poorly. It’s just another way to get off.
Life continued on with sex toys for quite a while, until I decided to try something new. Remember how I said he was not open to anal toys? He referred to his rear as “exit only.” I knew a lot of men found anal play very stimulating, so I decided to see what he would think about trying a small anal toy. I brought it up with him to see if he’d be interested. I didn’t want to push anything on him, but if I could open him up to trying it out once to see if he actually enjoyed it, it would be a new experience for us. He agreed and we purchased some vibrating anal toy.
That first time we tried it, he was a little nervous. He’d never put anything in his butt before. I could understand how he felt. I felt that way the first time I had sex (about my vagina, not my butt). We took it very slow. We decided it would be best for him to insert the toy since he knew what his limits were. Once he got the toy in all the way, I worked the controls on it. He whispered to me when he was ready to have it removed, since he was about to reach orgasm.
After that first time, we began experimenting with anal play more and more. We started buying larger toys for him to use. We tried anal plugs, prostate massagers, and just general vibrating anal toys. The more we tried the less nervous and more interested he became.
We now purchase and regularly use anal toys. He even lets me strap on toys to penetrate him. His opinion on anal toys has taken a 180 degree turn.
Introducing anal toys can be a bit trickier than other toys. Many people have very strong beliefs about anal play. It could come from parents, peers, society, or religion. There are also people who have previously tried anal play and found it unenjoyable or painful. You’ll need to fully discuss the idea with your partner. What scares them about it? Do they feel it is wrong?
If, after discussing, your partner agrees to try anal play, I strongly suggest starting out with your fingers first. I personally wear a pair of powder-free latex gloves when exploring my fiancé’s rear so that my nails do not scratch him or cause him any pain. If your partner finds it pleasurable for you to massage in or around their anus, try using a toy. You’ll want to find something with a flared base. Make sure to pick something small and made of a safe material like silicone. Also, make sure you use lots of water based lube.
If your partner still is firm on their refusal to try anal play, you’ll probably need to leave it alone for a while. They may have some issues to work out on their own. Constantly bringing the subject up will only make things worse. Your partner may eventually cave and say yes just to be left alone about it.
Introducing sex toys to a partner, whether a new partner or someone you’ve been with a long time, can be a tricky process. The key is to really think about them. Figure out their wants and fears regarding toys and work with them. Forcing your opinion on them can do more harm than good.
Always make sure to start out with something small. There’s always time to work your way up to the toys with lots of different functions. Think about it this way: you have to walk before you can run.