Several weekends ago, we were having a casual dinner with a couple friends from work. (In order to protect the guilty – let’s call them Sally and George.) Our relationship was a budding friendship, but had been relatively vanilla (non-kink related). We had gone out for dinners and movies, bowling and the stereotypical married couple type of evenings and this night had begun no differently than the others. As the night went on though, it shifted significantly. The discussion became less and less inhibited as the wine flowed. We were all flirting and having fun with increasing additions of double entendres and even some occasionally risqué comments.
As we were savoring the final crumbs of dessert, they looked at us and seemed to pause. Then, in a hushed voice, Sally leaned toward us across the table and said, “You both are really cool, and seem very open minded. Please don’t tell anyone about this, ok? ”
We nodded in a mixture of gratuity and encouragement, sensing a really interesting tidbit on the horizon. She quickly and decisively glances at George, and then continues, “Sometimes, on weekends alone, George and I get out the handcuffs and this riding crop. Then he puts this black leather collar around my neck, clips on a chain leash and leads me around the house on my knees.”
We replied encouragingly, “Wow – that sounds hot! Then what happens?” George picked up the ball and went on, voice low and throaty, “then after a couple swats with the crop, Sally kneels on the floor in front of my chair and services me. You know what I mean?” Then Sally offers this shy smile and wink. We grinned and nodded a quick acknowledgment to their disclosure.
Needless to say, our curiosity was piqued. We wondered how far down the rabbit hole they traveled; and more importantly – if they knew about us! We put on very interested looks as we tiptoed about the subject briefly, asking if they knew other people who participated in such things. When they answered affirmatively, we put forth our next “innocent” question, “Are there gatherings where people get together and do this kind of thing?” Unfortunately, that is where the trail petered out. Since they only did this “type of thing” once or twice monthly, they had no concept of the size of the local community or if there were available local events. Looking at each other, we both smiled at the fond thoughts of where the kink journey began for us.
When we first encountered kink, it was in a sexuality workshop that was primarily spiritually based. It was similar to that scene in The Matrix - you remember? Morpheus says to Neo, “You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Remember - all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.”
The workshop certainly was akin to that life altering red pill. It shifted our focus and understanding about what kink really was. We saw and experienced the different masks, or roles, that could be worn for our partner. We explored how to share our sexuality, how to seek out and uncover our urges and fantasies, and then make them a consensual reality.
Frequently, we find that vanillas (people who are not involved in any way with kink) are mistaken about what it is that we do (WIITWD). Many people think BDSM and Kink is all about control, spanking, flogging, whips and chains, oh my! While it may include some of those props, it isn’t just that. What we do isn’t about only pain. Until we were intimately involved with kink, and shifted our paradigms; that’s exactly what we thought too! Not everyone wears leather or latex along with collars or leashes. These are primarily titillating images we see on TV and in the movies.
But now we know the truth. The fact is that kink is all about seeking bliss. It’s about discovering what makes you hot, horny, wet, hard and excited. It’s about creative sexual expression between two (or more) consenting adults. It’s about interaction, connection and communication. It’s about fostering sexual energy, directing it and experiencing it through physical, mental, sexual, spiritual and emotional sensation. It’s about the freedom to express your sexuality, developing roles, enacting role play, and having fun with someone you want to share yourself with. Betcha didn’t think that’s what it was about, eh? Well it is. At least, that’s the way we think about it.
Furthermore, there is what we like to call “The Great Kink Continuum.” Some people are just like Sally and George. They have a small hidden box in their closet and take it out to role play once or twice a month. Others are “bedroom players,” who confine their sexual escapades to only their boudoir. There are intermittent kinksters, people who play more often, and occasionally make forays into local events or meetings. Then come regular players, who engage in kinky interactions as much or more than vanilla ones. Finally, there are long time members of the kink community who rarely miss an event and 24/7 power exchanges relationships, whose lives are filled with aspects of WIITWD.
There is another facet of the alt sex circles — interactions with the local BDSM/kink Community. Some people choose to participate in their local community and share their kink with friends and acquaintances; while others are solitary, and limit their kink to the confines of their relationships. If you are have any interest in this direction, we recommend at least checking out your local kink groups. If nothing else, it provides an opportunity to share ideas, meet people with similar penchants, and offer a level of validation that you are not alone in your kinkiness. And just maybe, it will offer you the chance to experience your sexuality in an open and accepting environment.
Some people think kink is a little slap and tickle. Some people think it's beat 'em up and fuck 'em. However, the truth is somewhere in between and beyond. Kink and the kink community encompass a huge continuum of fun and exciting possibilities. It's a wondrous journey from here to way out there. It's amazing all the things we can learn as we travel down the road of kink.
So, as our thoughts coalesced, our eyes refocused and the silence grew longer, we were once again sitting at the table, smiling at Sally and George. We had heard their confession. As we considered what kink is and what it means to us, how people can be amazingly connected by it, and how wonderful the endless possibilities of creative sexual expression can be. We looked at them with new eyes. They sat patiently waiting for our response. Sheba smiled mischievously, looked at them and with both palms out and up on the table, said, “Do you want the Blue pill or the Red one?”