Back in April, she gained notoriety across the ’net when she was famously fired for being outed as a sex writer. In addition to SexIs, her story was featured on Inc.com, Business Insider, mental_floss, Glamour, Huffington Post, digg, Fleshbot and Jezebel.
In the aftermath, TBK took down her website down “to regroup.” During her self-enforced hiatus, she decided she needed to do something to turn the negative into a positive. She hopes the result: The Book of Goddess: The Three Things You Need to Elevate Your Desirability to Mythic Proportions (available as a free e-book download), will allow women to take ownership of their sexuality and happiness. “We need to hit the reset button on what is socially acceptable,” she says. “If we do, both men and women will be better off.
You identify yourself as a sex goddess, a slut and a sexplorer. Can you tell us more about what you mean by each of those terms?
I’m a goddess because I embrace my sexuality and enjoy sex on my terms. I own my sexuality. I transcend social barriers that could interfere with my sexual happiness. I stay in the “Pleasure Zone.”
I am a slut because I am promiscuous, give great head, and enjoy all kinds of orgies and fetishes. And all those things are GOOD in my book. For me, the word “slut” is a term of endearment. My primary partner refers to me as his “Darling, Queen and Slut.”
I am a sexplorer because I am “trysexual”—I will try anything once (except sex with minors, that is my hard limit). If I like it, I do it again. I boldly move forward where many would balk and refuse. I proceed thoughtfully. I think beyond that initial knee-jerk reaction and delve into very personal experiences. I learn so much about myself and others by pushing my boundaries.
You’ve said that everyone has a fetish. Please explain.
I maintain that everyone has at least one fetish—both men and women. Some are just too repressed to realize it. Oh, and by the way, having a fetish doesn’t mean you’re a freak. In my book, a fetish is anything that sexually charms you.
Redefine beauty. Stop reading those magazines featuring the same recycled content and skinny models.
Seek out your own idea of beauty. Look at nature for beauty—see the curve of a mountain, the dip of a valley, and then see that in yourself. Beauty is REAL and can be found in the actual trees themselves, not the glossy pages that come from pulverizing and processing them.
The most important thing to realize about yourself: You look great NOW.
I can’t tell you how many women I know who curse the fact that they were shy about wearing a bikini when they were in their 20s and a size 8. They thought they weren’t thin enough to pull it off. Now they are 35 and a size 12 and WISH they were a size 8 again. So just wear the fucking bikini, OK?]
How did you get involved in sexual surrogacy?
I started out doing other sex work, and while being entertaining and titillating is all well and good, I found I gravitated toward helping men with their sexual hang-ups and fetishes.
Did you have any formal training?
I don’t have any formal training or degree, but I have a lot of experience under my belt. I fucked a lot of people to get to where I am now. (laughs) I’m disease and drug free, and I enjoy a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a partner who supports my unusual endeavors. I’m also constantly researching sexuality, psychology, fetishes, BDSM, relationship styles, Tantra, biology, and anything that relates to helping others. My website is my vita.
What is the most satisfying part of surrogacy?
I have a motto: “Leave a person better than you found them.” I’ve helped people make a breakthrough after one or two sessions with me that they didn’t accomplish with a licensed professional, despite months of therapy. I love being able to really make a difference. It’s great seeing people realize they aren’t freaks for liking what they like, and helping them find happiness. I love happy endings!
What do you find most disappointing?
The most disappointing part for me is when a client comes to me wanting to fix an issue, but ignores my advice. For instance, some men want to learn how to be more intimate and connected to their partner, but rush past the stages of sexual intimacy, even when I try to get them to slow down. Impatience is one of the hardest things to deal with. People want solutions RIGHT NOW. It doesn’t work that way.
Do you orgasm with clients?
I don’t typically, since the focus is on the client, but if learning how to pleasure a woman is part of the treatment plan, then sure. Clients don’t necessarily orgasm, either. I’d say 75 percent of the time spent involves touching and talking, as opposed to sexual acts.
Frequently you hear of people who fall in love with their therapists. Since your work is intimate and physical, it must bring up intense feelings. Have you experienced “transference” with anyone?
I’ve had a couple of sexually inexperienced men get attached to me, despite setting up clear boundaries ahead of time. That’s bound to happen from time to time. When that occurs, I pretty much have to sever ties with them so they can redirect their energy elsewhere.
In addition to your sex work, you had a day job. How did you balance that mentally?
I’m very comfortable with both my mother and whore sides. As a mother, I raise my daughter, work in the mainstream world, knit, read books and wear flannel pajamas. As a whore, I explore fetishes, review sex toys, write bout my sex life and wear thigh-high stockings.
I feel most at ease being around people who know and accept both parts of me. If they can’t handle the truth, then I wear a mask for their sake. That’s what most people do ALL THE TIME.
We’ve all heard about what happened when you lost your job. What was it about that experience that inspired you to write this book?
Getting fired for being a sexual being was a huge wake up call. Our society is still so repressed, women most of all. I’m making it my mission to be a pioneer and reach as many people as I can in the hope of changing attitudes. I don’t want what happened to me to happen to others. I’ve taken ownership of my sexuality and others envy my freedom, but they’re scared to follow suit. I’m trying to offer as much encouragement as I can, and be an inspiration. The best way to do that is to live authentically and become a success story. That is my ultimate goal.
Why the term “Goddess?”
According to the dictionary, a goddess is “a woman of extraordinary charm or beauty, greatly admired and adored.” A goddess is also someone who is fully in touch with her radiant feminine energy.
The book targets women, especially single women and those in transition who are interested in male partners, but it goes against everything society dictates that makes a woman attractive. So many women deal with crippling insecurities. They hide their bodies, settle in bad relationships, and deny themselves a great sex life. It doesn’t have to be that way. Goddesses have more fun.
And you can speak to this subject because?
Because I have everything that I want out of life—except a job. (laughs) I have a fabulous daughter, a great little house of my own, an amazing partner, and a fantastic sex life. I’m surrounded by love and positive energy, and I want to pass that on to other women.