Berlusconi Says $87,000 was for Beauty Equipment, Not Sex

In Italy’s ongoing Best Sex Scandal Ever, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi now acknowledges giving the equivalent of $87,000 to a teenage erotic dancer, but insists that the money was for laser hair removal equipment so that she could set up a beauty shop. We wonder if that sounds more believable when he says it in court than it does when we type it.

Berlusconi told reporters he wanted to help set up Karima El Mahroug, better known to scandal fans as Ruby the Heart Stealer, in business because he feared that poverty and a lack of opportunities would otherwise force her into prostitution. He also insists that he thought Ruby was the granddaughter of former Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak. Skeptics question how he could have believed that a relative of one of the Middle East's wealthiest rulers was at risk of having to sell her body for money.

Berlusconi, in case you hadn’t heard, is simultaneously on trial in three separate corruption cases as well as facing charges of having sex with Ruby when she was underage and covering it up. When asked whether he thought he might be convicted of anything, he responded, “Not in your wildest dreams!”

No word yet on when “Ruby the Heart Stealer’s Beauty Salon” will have its grand opening.