Catholic University has decided to revert to single-sex dormitories. The school's president, John Garvey, explained in a statement discussing the decision that co-ed dorms are promoting dangerous behaviors like binge drinking and “hooking up.” And besides, the girls just aren't doing their part in keeping these boys in check.

Wait, what?

“The point about sex is no surprise. The point about drinking is. I would have thought that young women would have a civilizing influence on young men. Yet the causal arrow seems to run the other way. Young women are trying to keep up—and young men are encouraging them (maybe because it facilitates hooking up),” Garvey wrote.

But beyond being evil succubi who use their sordid powers to drag the boys into alcohol binges and one-night stands, statistics show the girls who aren't abstaining from sex are desperately depressed, says Garvey. So since the women have proven to be born of Eve, and helpless against Satan's temptations, Garvey will cast the demons out of the co-ed dormitories and purify the boys himself! Or something.

Doesn't he know that there are some things even the president of a well known Catholic college just shouldn't say?