So this week, in honor of World AIDS Day, SexIs is running a week of AIDS-related articles to bring attention to this horrific epidemic that touches so many. Which is awesome. Except that they asked if I could write something about AIDS. For my humor column. Something funny.
I mean, honestly, I’ve had some strange subjects I’ve been asked to write about before and I’ve always been able to pull it off somehow but this one is by far the most fucked up. And SexIs was very cool about it and even offered suggestions like maybe “Top 10 Myths about AIDS” but I just couldn’t find a way to make it funny. Then I realized this was some sort of a test. A test to see whether I could make AIDS funny. And I always accept a challenge. This is the part where I would like to write something really funny about AIDS that makes people with AIDS laugh so hard that their T cell count goes up. And then I single-handedly solve AIDS with laughter. That would make a great story of overcoming adversity. But instead I just sat here and realized that I was never going to be able to make AIDS funny and my husband came in and yelled at me for not working because he didn’t hear any typing and I’m all “I’M TRYING TO COME UP WITH AIDS JOKES, ASSHOLE” and he’s all “You’re writing jokes about AIDS and I’m the asshole?” And I’m all “No. If I was writing jokes about AIDS you’d hear typing. I’m STRUGGLING to come up with jokes about AIDS. And I’m failing. It would be nice if you showed some fucking compassion.” No one ever has enough compassion for AIDS.
2. Intentionally running over cats
4. The holocaust.
5. Being molested by Jesus.
6. Murdering hobos
7. Reasons why the Pope might be a cannibal.
8. The elderly
9. Gay, amputee ex-lovers
10. Superfluous nipples
11. Marrying people to steal their organs
13. Cooking babies
14. Mass murder
17. Meth addiction
18. Fear of black people
19. Cutting off your evil mom’s head and taking it to your vet and pretending it’s your dead cat so you can have it cremated cheaper than a mortuary would do it so that you can keep your evil mother’s head in a separate compartment than the rest of her ashes so that she doesn’t somehow reanimate herself out of sheer spite.
20. Whether or not Jesus is a zombie.
And that’s a list of 20 topics that are funnier than AIDS that I’ve actually written about recently. So yeah, it’s not like I don’t have mad skills. I just can’t make AIDS funny. I even looked up “AIDS comedy” on the internet and Google was all “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I know, Google. Stop judging me. I give up.
PS. I asked a friend of mine who works at an AIDS center if he knew any AIDS jokes and he said he only knew a lame one about this guy that told all his friends he was dying from AIDS and his son was all “But you have cancer, dad” and the dad’s all “Yeah, but I don’t want them fucking your mother when I’m gone.” And then I was all “Oh my God, that’s…horrible.” And he’s all “Yeah, well, I didn’t say it was a good joke” and I’m all “No, really, that’s not funny at all” and he’s like “I KNOW. I TOLD YOU IT WAS LAME” and I’m all “Maybe you just have bad timing. Are you sure you didn’t fuck up the punch-line?” and then he sighed in disgust and hung up on me. You know why? Because AIDS isn’t funny. Especially if you fuck up the punch-line.