If you missed last week, you catch up on it here, to make sure you’re up to date on all the delightful debauchery.
Without further ado, let’s FPC, shall we?
No. 5 – The Guido Hierarchy Unbeknownst to clueless WASPs such as ourselves, not all ridiculous Italian-American stereotypes are created the same. Thankfully, we had Pauly D. and Vinnie this episode to clear things up for us, as they took on the decidedly more Guido-sounding monikers of “Joey D.” and “Louie.” While “Gym, Tanning, Laundry” is a completely acceptable troika of priorities, the boys clued us in that “Fist-pumps, Push-ups, Chapstick” was, by comparison, completely absurd. Shockingly, Deena proved herself to be the solitary voice of reason as she astutely pointed out that Pauly and Vinnie’s costumes consisted of clothes they actually already owned. No, this isn’t a sex or gender issue, but it does deal with, uhm…how the guys perform their masculine identity? Yeah, let’s go with that.
No. 4 – Meatball on Meatball Crime It’s one of the most heinous scourges facing short, squat, brassy Italian-ish girls today: Meatball on Meatball Crime. On this week’s Jersey Shore, both Snooki and Deena found themselves caught up in the social ill’s vicious circle. Shortly after decrying the senseless violence of Ronnie and The Situation, the girls got in a fight with a group of other girls at Club 21 over…well, we’re not sure really. Fortunately, when Snooki and Deena accidentally started fighting one another, the thick coating of hair extensions and self-tanner prevented any serious injury from occurring.
No. 3 – Continental Libertinism, Part the First Last season on Jersey Shore, Deena was subjected to no end of torment when one of her more prudish conquests disgustedly claimed that she tried to eat his asshole out. We’re not sure whether it’s simply the evolving sexual sophistication of the show’s cast, or simply a result of being in beautiful Florence, Italy, but this week’s episode saw Snooki tell her boyfriend Jionni, “I want to suck your butt,” and instead of drawing criticism, Ronnie rushed in to tell Snooki that she deserves better, presumably someone, who unlike Jionni, is into anilingus.
No. 2 – Continental Libertinism, Part the Second Snooki’s desire to toss Jionni’s salad wasn’t the only instance of liberated sexuality on display in this week’s episode of Jersey Shore, as we were also treated to the Italian Ellis’ claims of consanguinamory. After luring her attempted conquest to the house, presumably for sex, Deena discovers that Ellis has a hickey on his neck. Ellis, quick on his feet as ever, decides that rather than say he was with another girl, claims that his sister gave it to him. And we always thought Italian guys were supposed to be smooth.
No. 1 – Jesus Wept While out on what seems like one of the cast’s daily forays into the city of Florence to fill their rolling suitcases with cheap, street-bought tourist crap, the ladies of Jersey Shore staggered proudly by a local church. While none of the ladies were dressed all that appropriately for anything other than a more figurative street-walking session, the priest took particular exception to Snooki’s boob-baring outfit, imploring her to cover up when walking in front of his church. Snooki angrily asserted that “God made my [tits],” which misses the point entirely, as we’re sure the issue was less about Snooki offending God and more the priest just not wanting to gaze upon the orange flesh of a walking, squealing cinder block.
Was there anything particularly ridiculous that we missed this week? Tell us about it in the comments below, then make sure to watch Jersey Shore on MTV this Thursday at 10 pm, and check back here for another rundown.