As per usual, this week’s episode of Jersey Shore was full near to burst with drunken hook-ups, drama fallout from said hook-ups and eight people squandering their time and opportunities in one of the world’s most beautiful countries. While there were a shocking zero amount of club visits in the most recent installment of the Jersey Shore saga, that doesn’t mean the episode was lacking for fascinating moments.
No. 5 – Vinnie and Snooki…Again In typical Jersey Shore fashion, this week the show picked up by basically reshowing how last week’s episode ended: With Snooki, recently kind of broken up with her boyfriend Jionni (who she, like, totally loves and everything), climbing into bed with Vinnie and telling him to fuck her. Later, in an effort to try and convince herself and the television viewing audience that they didn’t have sex, and if they did, she didn’t know about it, she claims that she was blacked out, an excuse that not even Vinnie buys.
No. 4 – Spill the Wine, Dig that Nun As is customary for the cast of Jersey Shore, JWoww and Snooki got up early one morning to drag their rolling suitcases through the streets of Florence. While out on their morning jaunt, Snooki spotted a nun, and getting them confused with leprechauns or something, she darted after the poor woman, screaming at her once she was cornered in an alley. Later, Snooks purchased a humongous bottle of wine and shoved it in her suitcase, the better to precariously bounce along the cobblestones. Naturally, the suitcase rolled over, shattering both the bottle and Snooki’s dreams of getting even more profoundly wasted and making some excellent decisions.
No. 3 – Blastmaster Mike This week we were introduced to (what I believe is) a totally new linguistic nugget from the cast of Jersey Shore: To put someone on blast. This week, the first blast placement came courtesy of The Situation, who as part of some kind of convoluted scheme we don’t have time to get into, let Ronnie and Sam believe that he told his friend, The Unit (ugh), to call Jionni and tell him that he saw Snooki fellate Mike whilst fucking Snooki’s friend Ryder. We remain unclear on Mike’s motivations in leading America’s favorite couple astray, as well as why he’s so intent on people knowing he caught a BJ from a girl who clearly prefers having sex with Vinnie.
No. 2 – Blastmaster JWoww Apparently, to put someone on blast is to call them out publicly – we think – because the term was used again later in the episode when Jenni mercifully stepped up to the plate and told Snooki how ridiculous she was being. For the unthinkable crime of reminding Snooki that she did, in fact, cheat on Jionni with Vinnie after maybe-kinda-sorta ending her relationship with Jionni, JWoww was declared a terrible friend by Snooki, who then fled into the streets of wherever the girls were pretending to learn about wine for a large portion of the episode.
No. 1 - Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that the cast of Jersey Shore is just like us normal people. Not only is Snooki’s dad up on Facebook, but he also obsessively monitors the relationship status of his daughter’s boyfriend, the better to make somewhat reassuring, snap judgments on national television – just like our folks do! The strangest part about this, however, is that Snooki was able to call Jionni, yell at him about changing his status, tell him that Vinnie either fingered or ate her (MTV’s bleeps keep us from knowing for sure) and somehow salvage their relationship. We’re sure that it has nothing to do with the fact that Snooki is rich and famous – Jionni doesn’t seem that shallow. Of course, we’ll have to wait until next week to figure out whether Jionni is also OK with Snooki blacking out and fucking Vinnie, which she called back to reveal to him at the end of the episode.
Did we miss anything good? Tell us in the comments below, then make sure to watch Jersey Shore on MTV this Thursday at 10 pm, and check back here for another rundown.