But while MTV has clearly wrapped the season, as evidenced by the customary fascinatingly horribly edited Reunion Show, which aired after the finale, we aren’t quite done with Jersey Shore: Italian Edition. Read on to get our closing observations on the most culturally oblivious and homoerotic season yet!
No. 5 – Out of the Mouths of Steroid Babes The season finale of Jersey Shore opened with the Situation staring at Snooki while his alleged conquest was seemingly trying to sleep. We never knew that you could watch someone aggressively, but then again, we never took Date-Rapist 101, so there you go. Mike’s bad behavior drew more attention this week though, as Ronnie stepped in to suggest that he apologize to everyone he offended. We’re not sure how we feel about living in a world where a roided-out maniac with anger issues is the voice of reason.
No. 4 – Morality Players On the tremendously awkward Reunion Show, Vinnie shared some keen insight when explaining why girls in Florence were somewhat reluctant to go home with them. Apparently, it’s the girls’ morals that get in the way, which shockingly isn’t as much of an issue in Seaside Heights. But perhaps Vinnie is giving himself and his life partner Pauly D. (more on that in a moment) too little credit, as Pauly exhibited a downright startling amount of moral upstandingness by decreeing a potential conquest as too tipsy to take home with him.
No. 3 – True Bromance While the rest of the housemates were enjoying a manipulative breakfast schemed out by the Situation, Ronnie was still passed out in the smoosh room like the sleepy boy he is. Fortunately, Vinnie and Pauly were there to remedy the situation, running into the room and waking Ronnie the way all bros do for one another: Pulling back the cover and smacking his underwear clad ass. Maybe Vinnie and Pauly’s increasingly strange relationship would have escaped mention this week, if it wasn’t for the full montage of kinda-maybe-sorta-gay moments that MTV compiled for the Reunion Show. On the one hand, it’s all a big gag, which feels kinda-maybe-sorta-homophobic to us. On the other hand, the two are actually gay or bi, which simultaneously makes us super-excited for next season and super-terrified for the gay community.
No. 2 – The Dumbocratic Process One of the biggest mysteries this season is whether the Situation was telling the truth about Snooki fellating him whilst watching the Unit have sex with Ryder during the off-season. The Situation is a dedicated liar and pot-stirrer-upper, but Snooki was also very careful about outright denying the act. Fortunately, MTV Host-Bot No. 6 was there to put the Democratic process to work, asking the housemates to vote by a show of hands on whether they think Snooki blew the Situation. Frankly, we’re shocked MTV didn’t arrange for a guest appearance by Ken Starr. Seems like a missed opportunity.
No. 1 – Fingerpopping? One of the most interesting parts of The Jersey Shore is the way in which MTV employs profanity bleeps. The network seems to understand that while a singer or rapper saying the word “ass” is completely acceptable to audiences, that same word coming out of the slavering maw of say, Snooki, has been clinically proven to cause spontaneous Herpes outbreaks in uninoculated viewers. Unfortunately, that sometimes results in somewhat inscrutable phrases, such as on the Reunion Show, when Deena described the best part of the trip for her, when one of the twins did what sounded a lot like “fingerpopping.” We always thought fingerpopping was a name for snapping, so we’ll let you do the math to figure out what the balls she was talking about.
We think that this year’s dozen episodes constituted the best season of Jersey Shore yet, but how did you feel about them? Would you be interested in another weekly rundown for when the show returns to MTV next year? Is there another series you’d like to see us tackle? Tell us in the comments below!