Come on, you knew I was going to go there, why not just start with it? When you’re stuck at home and had plans to go out, when you were supposed to be a productive member of society but society’s productivity shuts down entirely for one day after twenty inches of snow whoomp to the ground in just a little less than twenty hours, so whoops, you’ll just have to call it a day and relax.
Pull up that Google Docs spreadsheet and see if there are any games you have wanted to play that you haven’t yet, or ideas for fucking that you haven’t yet explored, or that you have and want to go back to again. Get out the big guns. Try out that new toy. Watch that porn. Log on to Hot Movies 4 Her and get some on-demand porn, if you don’t have any stockpiled at home. Fuck like you mean it. Put some towels down, take off every shred of clothing and jewelry and just fuckin’ fuck.
Wintertime is a beautiful time for elaborate drinks, especially alcoholic beverages to give us that little extra liquor jacket to keep us warm, especially warmed drinks. Try these: Hot Buttered Rum, Hot Toddy, and Peppermint Hot Chocolate.
For the Peppermint Hot Chocolate: Add a shot of peppermint hard liquor to a mug of hot chocolate. Add whipped cream on top if desired.
For the Hot Buttered Rum: Start boiling water. While it is heating, add two tablespoons of brown sugar and two tablespoons of butter to a saucepan and combine until the sugar dissolves (don’t overcook it or it will harden), stirring constantly. Add a shot of rum to the bottom of a mug, a spoonful of the sugar and butter mixture, and fill the rest with hot water. Add more sugar and butter to taste when it cools. Add a dash of fresh grated nutmeg or a dash of cinnamon on top to taste.
For the Hot Toddy: Add a generous shot of bourbon to brewed tea or hot water. Add a spoonful of honey, a slice of lemon, and cinnamon if desired. Let it steep, then enjoy.
If it’s early in the day, remember there’s always mimosas or bloody marys to enjoy. Or download a wine podcast and learn about wine varieties—though that is most fun when you have some wine to test out simultaneously.
3. Play Games
Not those kinds of games, pervert. I mean the old-fashioned bored board games. Surely you’ve got a couple hanging around—dig ‘em out and pick your favorite. Pictionary, Scrabble, Bananagrams, Life, Monopoly, Parcheesi, Clue—everybody’s got fond memories of one or another. If you don’t, play ‘em again and get rid of the ones you don’t need. Do some online searching for a game or two you do like and add that to your arsenal instead.
Or there’s always a deck of cards and a Hoyle’s Rule Book—teach yourself five kinds of Solitaire, Rummy, Hearts, Cribbage, or Canasta. There’s bound to be one in there to keep you occupied.
I bet you’ve got a stack of books somewhere that you’ve never read, have never had any interest in reading, or only keep around because you’re hoping they’ll make you look smart when your friends come over and scour through the titles on your bookcase in an intellectual butt-sniffing greeting. Well, dust ‘em off! Challenge yourself to read one of ‘em. Curl up on the couch with a soft blanket and some low music to let your mind get immersed into a new world, a new perspective, a new thesis, a new point of view.
You probably can’t order delivery. You probably can’t go to the grocery store. So you’re going to have to make do with what you’ve got in your fridge, freezer, and pantry. This calls for some creative problem solving! Use Supercook and figure out what you can do with the ingredients you already have.
If you do have access to more ingredients, why not mess around in the kitchen? Try a dish you’ve always wanted to try! Create a new dish that will now be known as your Snowstorm Signature dinner and make it when you need home-style comfort.
Don’t forget dessert.
6. Call Your Family
I bet there’s a favorite aunt in your family you haven’t talked to in a while, or that you haven’t spoken to your brother-in-law yet about his big announcement that you read on Facebook. Take five minutes, give ‘em a call.
7. Inbox Zero
Obsess over your email inboxes and get ‘em down to zero. Put on a timer and see how long it’ll take to go through each one. Give yourself a two- or three-sentence limit in your response—unless you’re one of those letter-writers who has taken to writing long, drawn-out emails to old friends instead of putting pen to paper. In which case, consider the idea of putting pen to paper instead. Wouldn’t it be great to get a real letter?
Note: No. 7 is best done if you are home alone, stranded in a snowstorm alone, as it is rather anti-social to someone sharing your living space, unless you decide to have an Inbox Zero race and whoever wins has to streak down the street wearing only their boots. I mean whoever loses. Whichever.
8. Upgrade Your Bedroom
You spend so much time in your bedroom. It’s the site of your Love Nest. But when was the last time you took good stock of what is really going on in there? Do you have a pile of somethings-or-other in the corner and have no idea what’s really going on underneath? Maybe today’s the day to tear it apart. Is your closet overflowing? Are your drawers so full that you can’t properly put away your clothes when your laundry is clean? Maybe it’s time to downgrade, to donate a box at your nearby thrift store, or to designate a(nother) storage box for your off-season clothes.
What about the walls? What kind of images are you surrounding yourself with in this most important room? How is the feng shui? Could you clear any of the surfaces off entirely? Are there dust bunnies under your bed with your sex toys? Nobody ever died from a dust bunny, but still they are not particularly attractive. And that’s what you want your room to be: Attractive. Appealing. Comfortable, Warm, Inviting.
9. Venture Out Into The Snow At Least Once
... To see what you can see. Bundle up with your thickest socks, more than one layer of clothes, Which stores are open in this storm? What kind of deals can you pick up? Who still has to work and who is playing? Who lives in your neighborhood that you would usually never see on a random Monday afternoon?
And more importantly, is there enough snow for an epic fort or igloo, and a snowball fight? Did you bring your camera? Can you find a completely undisturbed place to make snow angels?
10. Fuck Again
Last but not least, conjure up an image of your sweetheart that reminds you why you adore them. Why you’re with them in the first place. What it was that made you fall for them, that glorious tipping point when you knew, you just knew. Tell them. Remind them how important they are to you. Remind them how beautiful, attractive, funny, skilled, sexy, and smart they are. Remind them that they are your favorite person with whom to get snowed in.
And fuck again. But this time, take your sweet time, and make it last. Look her in the eyes. Lace your fingers through his. Say hir name when you come.