What's Love Gotta Do With It? Part Three: Specific Techniques to Invite Sacred Sexual Experiences

First, it is important to define sex. That is not as easy as it sounds. Everyone has a slightly different definition of sex. Some people enjoy missionary style, doggie style or anal. And oral sex seems to be a universal crowd pleaser. There are a whole host of other sexual behaviors ranging from kink such as bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism to paraphilias such as coprophilia or foot fetish. Additionally, some people can simply breathe themselves into an orgasm. Is that a form of sex? I would say it is.

To be clear, my definition of sex does, not in any way, include acts that are perpetrated against any human or animal that, by virtue of their lack of consent or their inability to give consent (being a child, mentally impaired or unconscious for instance), is not a willing participant. That said, what is left to be labeled sex is a large landscape encompassing a mind-expanding level of diversity.

Can all the different consensual sexual activities lead to a sacred sexual experience? The short answer is yes.

As noted in last month's column, Transcendent Sex by Jenny Wade, chronicles the sexual stories of average people who stumbled upon sacred sex without training to find “themselves in otherwordly realms when making love, as though God’s lightning bolt of grace had illuminated the bedroom, transforming everything.”

This certainly suggests the experience of sacred sex resides in a world of its own, regardless of how that experience is achieved. Perhaps we can gain some clarification by referring to the definition of “sacred.” While some interpretations of the word are more religious in focus, for our purposes, the following meanings apply quite well:

Devoted exclusively to one use — set apart
Entitled to reverence and respect
Highly valued and important

This describes the intentions behind sacred practices. It might be more accurate to say that transcendent sex can occur by accident and it can also be encouraged through sacred sex practices. What is transcendent?

The dictionary defines transcendent as:

Exceeding usual limits
Extending beyond the limits of ordinary experience
Being beyond comprehension

In other words, if you wish to have sex that extends beyond the limits of ordinary experience, you can use certain practices to set your sexual behavior apart so that it evokes reverence and importance for you.

What follows are a number of practices I, and others, have found helpful in creating transcendent sacred sexual experiences. Please remember you don't have to use any of these practices in order to achieve transcendent or sacred sex. As we know those qualities can occur in a variety of settings and circumstances. But the following practices can assist you to move beyond the mundane and expand your sexual horizons so that you no longer experience an artificial divide between sex and spirit.

Abstaining
Most of my clients are taken aback when I recommend sexual abstinence as a way of improving their sex lives. As counter-intuitive as it may seem, abstaining from sex for a week, a month, or a year can assist you in becoming more embodied and sexually responsive. Use this time to connect with yourself and you may find that abstinence makes the heart (and genitals!) grow fonder.

Conscious Breathing
My number one sex tip is “Breathe!” It might seem silly. We all breathe. But the truth is most of us breathe into the fist 1/3 of our lungs and never experience what it feels like to breathe deeply. When you breathe deeply for the first time, you may feel dizzy and very emotional. It is this sensation of being wide awake and feeling all your emotions which many people prefer to avoid. But repressed emotions will kill your sex life so find your courage and breathe deeply into your feelings and fears. If you have to cry, cry. If you feel like laughing, laugh. What is waiting on the other side of all this catharsis? Quite possibly some of the best orgasms you could ever hope for.

PC Exercises
Your pubococcygeus muscle or PC muscle controls your flow of urine and it contracts during orgasm. If you squeeze it, you can drive sexual energy from the base of your spine all the way up through your heart and out the top of your head. Many meditation practices utilize the PC muscle so bringing this into your sexual practice often connects your sex to a spiritual dimension.

Eye Gazing
Eye gazing comes naturally although the more fear you have about a particular relationship or partner, the more you may avert your gaze in an effort to hide your true feelings. If you have decided to share your sex organs with someone, make sure they are someone you are comfortable sharing your emotions with as well. Lack of emotional connection is one reason sex can be unfulfilling. So pick your partners wisely and look deep into their eyes.

Ritual
Try adding a ritual prior to sex with yourself or a partner(s). Prayer and meditation as well as affirmations and visualizations can be a very effective way to center yourself and set your sex apart as sacred. It can also be a part of sex magic that is another form of sacred sex. Sex magic is based upon the premise that orgasms are the most powerful energy and putting consciousness into our orgasm can create reality out of orgasm.

Have fun exploring these techniques but most of all, let go of your expectations and see where sex takes you!

Next month: Negotiating for the Sex You Want