Yeah. Good stuff. People even have a term for the buzzyhappyglow that we get when involved in a fresh start to a relationship: “NRE” or “New Relationship Energy” is that “first flush” of emotion that carries us away in a wave of superheated sexuality, hyperbolic heartstrings, and dizzying desire. It is a lovely feeling, that “Falling In Love” thing, right?
But the thing is? “Falling” is a word that connotes a lack of balance, a loss of equilibrium. Falling in love, with all of its sparkle and glow, is a process. After you’ve fallen, what then? Ah well, THEN you get to figure out if your new lover is a bedhog, chews with their mouth open, only wants to fuck once every 19 days which makes you batshit with sexual frustration, hates any film with subtitles while you’re an avid fan of Cocteau and Bergman…yeah. The heat and fire of passion, while it can forge a bond, cannot sustain it.
The initial passion most kinky folks feel when they first become involved in their explorations of Kink, Leather and BDSM can cause an incredibly overwhelming emotional storm. Often referred to as “frenzy,” this type of NRE is energy fueled by one’s own personal relationship with a new passion. It can feel so very tempting to forsake all others, plunge headlong into this new life, and explore all there is to offer without reservation. And there is so much that is wonderful about abandoning yourself to a new experience! And yet? Hopefully this heat and fire will be tempered with restraint and responsibility.
When first exploring kink, it can be super tempting to do everythingallatonceOMFG! Rope bondage? Sure! Electrical play? Hell yes! Spanking? I can’t get enough! Rough sex? All night long! Piercings? Cuttings? Sensory deprivation? Role-playing? Yes yes more more yes yes and and and…
The Smörgåsbord of sensuality is a feast on which one can definitely overfeed. The idea that “If some is good, more is better!” can seem quite persuasive in one’s early days of sexual exploration if you’ve felt trapped, confused, out of place and suddenly you find yourself ass deep in corsets, chaps, pony-gear and fetish wear that overwhelms the senses, of your impulse may well be to gorge yourself. But keep in mind: like that first heady rush of romance? This first flush of lust and curiosity, while it feels great? May well lead you to make decisions that you might not have made in more levelheaded states.
I’ve certainly made decisions in the heat of the moment. We all do, and it is a human thing passion fuels us, gives us energy, and drives us forward. But sometimes that passion can lead us to precipitous places that could otherwise have been avoided. When first approaching a new relationship or a new type of kinky play, it can be helpful to take a deep breath and think of the Five Ws: Who, What, When, Where, and Why. This journalistic approach to gathering the full story, or investigating a situation, can help you to temper the fiery, spicy Peppers of Passion with some cooling sips of the Lemonade of Logic.
Who is this person I’m about to engage with?
Sometimes, we meet someone at a party / during a Munch / in line at the movies and our gonads start jumping and you just wanna get busy right then and there, damn the torpedoes, third star on the left and straight on ‘till morning!
Passion and attraction are powerful motivators. They can also be blinders and rose-colored glasses. Think about how well you know the person with whom you’re about to have sexytime. Take a moment to consider how you are going to negotiate to make sure your needs are met, boundaries respected, and that you and your new partner(s) are all on the same page. How well do you know this person – and if the answer is “Not very well!” then consider the level of risk you are prepared to assume by playing or having crazed weasel sexytime with some you do [itali|not] know very well. Listen to your gut instinct. It rarely steers folks wrong.
What are we about to do?
If you are all butt-wiggling-happy-puppy about this new endeavor, be sure you know what the hell you’re getting yourself into. Your idea of spanking might be very different from what your new lover might approach booty paddling. As thrilling as it might seem to throw caution to the wind and go with the flow, and as true as it is that sometimes, that leads to spontaneously wonderful flights of fancy? Having a flight plan before take-off isn’t a bad idea, either.
When are we gonna do this?
It might be tempting to meet that hottie and promptly run off into a dark corner of the dungeon and get to banging like bacchic bandicoots. But you don’t have to have all the candy on the spot!
Sometimes, taking time to consider your play, to get to know your new friend, to see if perhaps there might be a more suitable vane can make the encounter even more fulfilling, Now, if you’re all about hot anonymous NSA (No Strings Attached!) sex, right here right now is often the answer. Again, be safe, and be sure to take into account your sexual health and personal safety when playing. And remember, sometimes the god stuff gets even gooder if you wait for it. Quivering in antici...(Say it!)...pation is some of the hottest foreplay out there!
Where is this going?
The one thing that is certain is that shit is uncertain, yo.
The fact is? Even the most carefully planned encounter or scrupulously circumscribed scene will have ups and downs that no-one can anticipate. But knowing where you plan to go is helpful. Regardless if you’re a top, bottom, switch or “flip a coin for it!” kind of player, having intentions set beforehand can help lay the groundwork for a great encounter.
This doesn’t only go for a scene. Asking “hey, where do you see this going?” when negotiating for relationships isn’t a bad idea either. Yep, feelings will change and no, you can’t anticipate the future. But if you are getting hot and heavy and burning with NRE for this new partner and you know full well you just don’t have time or room in your life for a new partner, letting your new sweetie know where you are, advising of how much time and energy they can reasonably expect for the near future is a great way to keep transparency in communication and open, clean lines of communication.
Why am I doing this, exactly?
When you’re caught up in the heat of a new relationship, or in the throes of discovering BDSM, it is sometimes possible for your focus to shift and for your desires to become your biggest priority. So long as this doesn’t disrupt the parts of your life that are bopping along, go for it! But if you’re using your newfound kink, or your new partner, and the heat and rush of NRE to escape your life or mask deeper issues, that can be something to examine.
Intent is critical in kink, as important as consent from all involved parties. And if your intention within your relationship is to escape other shit in your life that just feels like too much, or if your play is something that you’re doing to frantically “fill the hole” in your life or heart with someone else? That is something to think about. Hopefully, your loves and lovers, the things and people who ignite your passion, enhance and underscore your own joy rather than act as a crutch or spiritual painkiller for deeper issues.
Heat and passion are beautiful, baby. And they are to be savored, and enjoyed. In reasonable amounts! Enjoying the development as it goes from explosive new energy to simmering, crackling ongoing smolder is one of the ways we know we are on a good, solid path. Respect the NRE, enjoy the NRE, and respect the fact that it is finite. Relationships grow and evolve. Just like humans. And as hot as that initial contact can be, keeping a cool head amidst the scorching chemistry can help you sustain that sultry, sexy smolder!
image by TerraLuna