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The Sweet Release — Getting In Touch With Your Inner Slut

The Sweet Release — Getting In Touch With Your Inner Slut Cat Mayer Photography
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Getting in touch with one’s inner slut offers a new world of empowerment, liberation, and … fun.

  Whore Or Madonna?

Unfortunately, there are still a number of curmudgeonly, repressed folks who see it as a negative descriptor rather than a positive state of being.

According to certified sexologist Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM, and SexIs contributor, the more common and hurtful usage of the word stems at least in part from the whore-Madonna complex, a phenomenon in which society forces women to choose sides between the good girls and the bad girls.

“Are you a slut or a Madonna,” she says. “Are you the kind of girl who likes sex and isn’t ashamed? Or are you going to be a good mother and somebody a man will take home to mom? Either way, you don’t get to be a whole woman.”

This line in the sand is drawn at an early age. “There has to be a designated slut by high school,” Monet says. “So a girl will be singled out. Now, she might not have actually had sex — there might be other ‘good’ girls who are having more sex than she is — but she might be labeled that way because her breasts grew more quickly or because she’s poor or a woman of color, any number of reasons. The bottom line is that our culture still really needs somebody to be the designated slut.”

  The Marital Chasm

Obviously, unlike Susan’s clit ring, society’s designation is no badge of honor, and can fracture a woman’s psyche for years. With judgmental friends and disapproving neighbors, “Women have a lot of good reasons to avoid being the slut,” Monet says. “When I was writing my book Sex Secrets of Escorts, one of the things that became very apparent is that this is a taboo part of female history.”

“And yet, women have a lot of real curiosity about it, and not just about getting paid for sex, but what it’s like to be that sexually empowered, what it’s like on the other side of the whore-Madonna line.”

Because ultimately, this good-girl-bad-girl rift isn’t just a cause for concern in America’s high school hallways, it’s a problem that routinely corrodes adult relationships, too.

“Oftentimes, guys like to have sex with the women who, well, like to have sex,” Monet explains. When he gets ready to settle down, however, he succumbs to societal pressures and expectations and seeks out the nearest “Madonna” figure.

He finds the “girl who he thinks fits his stereotypes about what would make a good wife and mother,” Monet says. “In contrast to the ‘slutty’ girls he’s been with, she’s probably not going to put out as much. But a lot of men expect their new bride to just flip a switch: ‘You’re married now, you can be slutty with me.’ But this is a woman who’s spent her entire life not being that way. So there’s a mismatch that needs to be worked through.”

And the work needs to happen on both sides of the bed. Typically speaking, Monet says, “Women need to not feel so much fear and shame about being sexually expressive and men need to learn to be more communicative and create a sense of safety for his partner and her body.”

  The Mommy Factor

Kids can also diminish one’s inner slut — even in those who used to be very in touch with their steamy side. April, a 36-year-old married mother of two, went from hubba hubba to absolutely humdrum after the birth of her first child.

“I had all these anxiety-laden ideas that everything I did was going to trickle down to my kid,” she admits. “So I basically felt guilty all the time. I thought I would get right back to my free-spirited self after the baby was born, but it just got worse.”

April spent seven years wrestling with her feelings and then found inspiration in one of her friends. “We were out dancing with another couple and the guy was teasing his wife about taking her panties off,” April explains. “She was wearing this little skirt and all of a sudden, right there on the dance floor, she reached up, yanked them down to her ankles, and stepped right out of them. Honestly, I was appalled — what message is this sending our kids, you know?”

“But then the next day we were at a family barbecue with that same couple. I looked over and saw my friend playing Wiffle ball with all the kids. And guess what? The fact that less than 24 hours earlier she had gone commando on a crowded dance floor had absolutely no bearing on how much fun she was having with her kids. That’s when I realized that I am allowed to be a great mom and really like sex.”
Exactly. As Monet says, “You weren’t born to be just a slut or just a mother or just a good girl. Those are artificial divisions that ask you to be less than whole.”

And keep you from having a whole lot of fun, whether that’s strutting your stuff on the beach or hitting a homerun in the bedroom not long after hitting one in the family Wiffle ball game.

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Comments

Awesome article!! I really loved this!

05/20/2011

Thanks, I appreciate it!

05/20/2011

The language used to marginalize women is astounding. Thank you for pointing out that we need to reframe the meaning of these words so women can be seen in all their glory. Last month, I wrote an article (elsewhere) called The Middle East Needs More Sluts, and boy did it get a lot of flack! Many are still not comfortable with the ideas you present here. Good article.

05/23/2011

Excellent article, thanks! It's so true that it's very freeing to get in touch with one's inner slut...and to find a man who likes to be in touch with her, too!

05/25/2011
ygor  

06/07/2011

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