But, okay, we get it. There is always more to learn about sex and sex-related behavior, and we are very glad that there are dozens and dozens (“oodles,” to use the technical word) of sex studies commissioned each year. Please understand, we’re profoundly grateful to scientists and their scientific methods. Still, they can be a quirky lot; and they come up with some seriously out-there stuff. Here are nine of the weirdest sex studies of recent times, so you have them in one handy place the next time you need them for ... whatever. They do not work as pick-up lines. Except maybe with scientists.
1. Neanderthals Got More Play Than You
Study Conducted by: Emma Nelson, Liverpool University
Findings: According to the researchers, there is a link between finger length and promiscuity. The theory goes that the more testosterone or androgen a developing fetus is exposed to, the longer the baby’s ring fingers will be. The closer in length the ring and pointer fingers are, the more likely a person may be to have multiple sexual partners.
Wait, It Gets Weirder: The study found that both Neanderthals and ancient humans were equally promiscuous ... and both species were far more promiscuous than modern humans. However, certain human ancestors like Australopithecus afarensis (a.k.a. Lucy), seemed to be more selective and exclusive when choosing a mate.
But, but ... how long are his fingers?
2. Like Banging at Work? Get a Factory Job!
Study Conducted by: Reabur (a British human resources firm)
Findings: Those who work in factories are more likely to have sex in the workplace than those who work in an office setting. Although with all that heavy machinery around, it seems like having sex in a factory could be pretty dangerous ...
Wait, It Gets Weirder: The study asked respondents to guess what profession would be most likely to get their rocks off at work, and 48 percent said pilots and stewardesses would be the most sexually active on the job. But only 6 percent of those in the aviation industry admitted to having sex while working. Teachers, plumbers and postal workers all scored higher! Kinda makes all those played-out plumber and teacher porn scenarios seem a little more plausible ...
3. Gazing at Breasts is Good for Your Heart
Study Conducted by: Three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany
Findings: According to a German study, men looking to live longer should stare at large breasts for 10 minutes each day. The study doesn’t specify what cup size constitutes a “large” breast, so to be safe, guys, you should probably look a couple different pairs of breasts over a 24-hour period. You know, for your health.
Wait, It Gets Weirder: The researchers say that this practice is just as effective as 30 minutes of aerobics, adding, “Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.”
Good luck explaining that to your spouse ...
Pause here, men, for just 10 minutes, if you know what's good for you.
4. Why Monkeys (and Maybe People) Yell During Sex
Study Conducted by: The German Primate Center in Göttingen, Germany
Findings: Researchers have found that for some species of monkeys, crying out during sex isn’t just part of having an orgasm. It actually causes the orgasm.
Scientists observed that female Barbary macaques cried out during 86 percent of their sex acts. When the females shrieked, the males ejaculated 59 percent of the time.
Wait, It Gets Weirder: When the females made no sound during sex, the males almost never came. A silent female meant that fewer than 2 percent of sexual encounters ended in male orgasm. Kinda makes you understand why porn stars are so, um, vocal.
Just not feelin' it today ...
5. Election Results Affect Porn Usage
Study Conducted by: Associate professors of psychology at Villanova University and Rutgers University
Findings: Believe it or not, there is evidence that porn usage increases in states that vote for the winning candidate/party in an election. Because testosterone levels tend to rise after a male has won a fight (or backed the winning candidate), there is some evidence that this change in hormones also causes increased sexual desire.
Wait, It Gets Weirder: Conversely, testosterone levels drop after a challenger loses a fight. So even though my mother always told me that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, you might have a better chance of getting a man in the mood by losing a game of Mario Kart.
6. Bigger Babies, Bigger Appetites
Study Conducted by: Northwestern University anthropologist Christopher W. Kuzawa
Findings: Babies who pack on the pounds in their first six months are more likely to become sexually active earlier in life, and also to eventually have more sexual partners than babies who were skinny.
Wait, It Gets Weirder: Nothing. Nothing is weirder than a study that predicts male sexual response based on the first six months of life. It is utterly amazing that anyone would ever think to correlate these two things.
Eat up, honey. You'll thank me in 18 years or so.
7. Kissing is Remarkably Predictable
Study Conducted by: Vrije Universiteit, Amsterdam
Findings: Two-thirds of people in the Western world tilt their head to the right when going in for a kiss.
Wait, It Gets Weirder: The research was conducted by having participants kiss a disembodied head like these:
Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.
8. Meat is an Aphrodisiac in the Animal Kingdom
Study Conducted by: The Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology, Germany
Findings: After studying a group of 20 chimps, researchers found that a female chimp was more likely to have sex with a male chimp if he offered her meat before making his move.
Wait, It Gets Weirder: We have so much in common with chimps that sometimes, it freaks me out. I guess every primate is more likely to be receptive to your advances if you buy her dinner first.
... Or shall we skip right to dessert?
9. The Sex Lives of Librarians are About as Interesting as You Thought
Study Conducted by: Will Manley
Findings: Manley surveyed 5,000 librarians about their sex lives. Here are some of the stats he uncovered:
• 38 percent of the respondents classified their sex life as a romance; 31 percent as a fantasy; 22 percent as a comedy, and 9 percent as a tragedy.
• 78 percent of the female respondents and 7 percent of the male respondents indicated that they had been sexually harassed by a library patron.
• 20 percent of the respondents felt that sex without love is, by definition, bad sex.
Wait, It Gets Weirder: This part isn’t so much about the responses as it is about the questions being posed in the first place. I mean, why would anyone need to know this stuff? According to Manley’s findings, 30 percent of the male respondents revealed that if there were a nuclear war and Roseanne Barr was the only woman on earth to survive, they would have sex with her in order to repopulate the planet. Conversely, 38 percent of the female respondents admitted that if they had to bang Pee Wee Herman to save the human race, they’d take one for the team.
Yes, we had to go back to 1992 for this study. But wasn't it worth it?
Scientists are all about drawing conclusions, so we thought we'd try it, too! Here's what we think:
Sex is great when you’re having it, and sometimes kinda weird when other people are.
Pretty good, huh?
These scientists and researchers are constantly improving our understanding of the world around us, and even though some of their studies are downright strange … they’re always downright entertaining.