"Over the last few years, my comfort level with how I look has improved. My age has helped. You get used to yourself and accept yourself."
Believe it or not, this conversation is one I had many times in the past.
Them "You've NEVER masturbated?"
Me "Nope. I don't like it and think it is gross. Plus, I don't like myself that way."
Them "You are lying. Everybody masturbates!"
Me "You can believe that if you want to, but no, not everybody masturbates."
This always made me laugh!
It wasn't that I wasn't interested. I DID think it was disgusting, and never quite enjoyed touching myself that way. I much preferred sex with men over giving myself pleasure with my hand or a toy. I did have a toy once and I tried to use it, but didn't enjoy it so I threw it away - I was 19 and that was the first and only time I had attempted masturbation.
Although it was many things that finally led to the decision to buy another toy, the main one involved my first BDSM relationship. My partner truly made me realize that loving MYSELF was going to get me off faster than attempting to trust someone else to do it for me. It was a piece of control I had over myself - a control I had taken and hidden deep inside myself due to molestation and rape as a child. If I couldn't trust MYSELF to well, get myself off...how could I expect anyone else to accomplish it?
He was right. And in all my past relationships, it had become a challenge between my partners and I. I would say, "I've never had an orgasm" and they, with all their arrogance, would reply "Well, they just weren't doing it right." They didn't get me off...and eventually, they got frustrated and our relationship ended.
So I did it. I bought a rabbit vibrator and hid it so nobody could find it. I used it and used it, but I couldn't get off. I was so frustrated I cried, ashamed at myself for being unable to do something I KNEW I could do but in my mind, the increasing pleasure was "painful" and nearing the edge was terrifying to me.
I finally had a partner who tied me down...and stroked my g-spot with his hand. Being tied up, I couldn't escape - as I have a tendency to do when the sensation gets to be "too much." I didn't know what happened, I was so focused on the "pain" that when he said, "You just had an orgasm, because my hand and the bed is all wet" that I just started sobbing uncontrollably.
He thought I was sad, but truth was, I was so happy I couldn't contain myself.
After, it came to light that if I was forced to orgasm when I was being violated, that it is a possibility my body could have categorized the sensations as pain and unwanted, rather than the pleasure they truly are. It has taken me using toys and making myself orgasm to retrain my mind to find the sensations pleasurable and as a release instead of something to be terrified of.
So, since then I've been giving myself "self love" - and I don't know why I ever avoided it. However, I truly believe I had to be "ready" for it mentally and I finally reached the point that I was open to doing so.
Now I've found EdenFantasys and have gotten new toys and am trying new things! Having an orgasm during sex is still a work in progress but I know now that it can't be far away.
And I can't wait!