I use to idolize and fantasize about long-legged, big breasted, flat-stomached, 120 pound girls, but now I am working on just being happy with me!
I have always been self-conscious and have had low self-esteem, but until recently, I didn't do anything to change that. The only time that I could easily start up a conversation with a man was when I was drinking. The constant search for feminine clothes that were comfortable, and affordable was a fail. So, I hid myself in baggy, over-sized men's clothing. I've always tried to hide myself.
Like any other female, I am my own worst critic. I've probably spent just as much time avoiding looking at myself in the mirror as I've spent scrutinizing myself! Naked, I'd stand there, almost in tears, thinking about how disgusting I looked. "My legs are too short and too fat! I don't have a nice, round butt! My stomach is grotesque. My boobs are too small! Geez! Look at that double chin," I'd always manage to say to myself. As you could imagine my low self-esteem affected my sex life.
"Turn out the lights," I would yell, every time the clothes would start flying off. During sex, I liked staying under the covers, out of the light, and out of sight. I liked being hid from possible rejection. Men want confidence and sexiness, of which I never had. So, I hid from myself, men, and sex.
Sex is so difficult for a self-conscious person, no matter the size, shape, or position that you put her in! I was always afraid to try new things in bed. I was afraid I would look stupid, or for some reason, because of my size, would not be able to perform as well as a smaller girl. I always hated the term "big girl," and I just wanted to feel comfortable and accepted, not as a "big girl", but as me!
One of my cousins tried hooking me up with a friend of hers and she asked him, "Do you like big girls?" He shook his head no and that was a big knock for me. The last straw came when I found this amazing, gorgeous, sweet guy that was okay with the fact that I was a "big girl", but he decided not to continue the relationship, because I was too shy. What he didn't know was that I was shy, simply because I felt like I had never been accepted as just me! That was it! Something had to change!
I soon began a long and challenging journey to weight-loss! I began exercising and I boosted my workout a little more everyday. I began eating healthier and feeling better! I gained more energy and was, once again, in the mood! I climbed back in the saddle and tried my new energy out on my partner. I pushed him down, climbed on top, straddled him, grabbed his crotch and said, "How does this feel?" I realized more than just my confidence had peaked.
I also realized it wasn't my weight-loss that had made a difference. After all, I hadn't lost but a few pounds. He didn't know too much about my diet and exercise regiment. What made a difference what the fact that I felt good about me!
Now, I love who I am. I am my own woman. I am short, fat, and have little boobs. That's okay though, because not every woman is perfect, either. A lot of women get shy and nervous around guys that they want to jump on! That makes you who you are! But, now I take life by the horns(or sometimes the man by his horn) and I go with it! I am large, but I am also in charge of my own life and I am not going to let my self-esteem tell me otherwise!