"“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”"
I Am What I Am
Whether I’m at home or at either of my unconventional jobs, I’m comfortable in my own body. Well, most of the time. And I have this “other life” that only a select few know about. Or maybe, as readers, you think that my home life is my other life. Either way, the skin I’m in is who I am, be it all on display or dressed as a soccer mom.
In my day-to-day, I’m a mom. I’m a mom of teenagers. I know, most would never believe that statement when they’ve seen my photos, but if you happen to see me running around sans-makeup, wrapped in an oversized tee and a sweater, wearing yoga pants and an ugly pair of grey and neon pink running shoes, you’d maybe catch a glimpse of that side of me, but you may never see the other half. In that life, I’m a BBW Porn Star.
Glamorous, naughty, and clad in the highest of heels and skimpiest of lingerie, I’m a living breathing Goddess to some. Granted, I’ve only starred in a handful of videos, I simply turned down many offers because they were out of my scope and things I wouldn’t agree to. If I had zero self-esteem, if I’d had no value in myself, I’d probably have gone against my best interest and done the films simply based on the monetary aspect, but on a personal level, I chose not to – most often due to a situational aspect in which the scene involved things that were on my “no-no list,” because the scene involved name-calling, degradation, or abuse towards people of my size.
I personally do not stand for this. Especially on-camera, being called things like “pig,” “cow,” and “whale,” amongst other degrading names just puts that much more emphasis on the fact that the media tells people what they should and shouldn’t like. Name-calling just makes it that much more acceptable in the viewer’s eyes to chastise someone simply based on size. It gives them the opportunity to feel better about choosing smaller girls in their personal lives, and makes them feel that much worse about loving every curve on a larger woman’s body. More than once in my personal life, I’ve been someone’s “moped.” You know, that thing you secretly love to get away with and have fun, but that you’d never want your friends to find out about. There’s no reason that anyone of any size should feel like they’re someone’s dirty little secret. People of every size are amazing!
My mother used to tell me “cover up your arms, nobody wants to see your flabby arms, it’s obscene!” and I’d believe every word of what she said and would shy away from tank tops and cover my swimsuits with tee shirts. By the time I was 8, I was already in a training bra and embarrassed by my size as a result of my mother’s words. By 10, I was so uncomfortable that I withdrew from most of my classmates. I was larger than the rest of my class, boys and girls alike. I was also taller than they all were, but that didn’t matter – I was never told that I was “too tall” by the kids at school, but I was repeatedly told I was “too fat” by my own mother.
I was a size 14 by the time I reached the 8th grade, but while I was large for the girls in my class, I was also nearly 5’8” at the time. My 8th grade graduation photo shows me in the back row, far from the other students by several feet. I towered over even the tallest boy in the class at the time. They even made me take my heels off for the photo, but I was still several inches taller than everyone else. But I was beautiful! I was nearly perfect in every way! But that’s not how my classmates saw it. Nor was it how my own mother treated me. I was the “fat girl.”
Even on that day, where I was absolutely stunning, my mother had made me pull all of my hair into a high, and very tight, painful ponytail – because she said it made my face look slimmer. All it did was set me aside, yet again, while every other girl in the class had her hair down for the photos. We won’t even mention the tan she made me get because I was lighter than all the girls in my class. She single-handedly made me feel ugly and ostracized, even though all I received that day were compliments from both classmates and teachers.
The Weight Loss Game
Over the years, I’ve probably tried just about every diet on the market. I’ve been on every pill, both over-the-counter and prescribed, known to man. I’ve even been hospitalized for a two-week period, put on liquid sustenance, and IV nutrition. Let me just say that no matter the diet and no matter how much exercise I’ve done in my life, even running two miles every day, didn’t help me to lose an ounce of weight. All it ever did was cause numerous dieticians and doctors accuse me and my mother of lying about my progress, or lack thereof. They insisted that I did nothing to help to lose any weight, which was quite the converse. It was disheartening to hear that, to say the least. My being turned down for a gastric bypass for “not being fat enough” just made it that much worse at the time. But I’ve since learned that it’s not all about weight, but it’s more my own respect for self-image than anything else.
A Little History Lesson
The advent of the “tankini” and the new “fatkini” have given women like myself opportunity to wear things that might cover more, but in reality, give women of size an opportunity to be comfortable and feel beautiful wearing a “bikini,” no matter how much coverage it gives. Years ago, when the tankini came out, it was the skinny girls still wearing them – but I reveled in the fact that I FINALLY had a bathing suit that fit my super-long torso, while still covering my round belly – because I was still ashamed of it.
It’s truly sad that we’re thought of in a terrible light if we’re overweight – be it 20 pounds or 200! In the Bronze Age being my size (a robust 18-20 on a good day, a fuller, rounder 20-22 on the bloaty ones) was considered to be preferable to smaller-statured women. In the Baroque Era, being Rubenesque was considered to be a stunning and healthy-looking feature! Women were curvy and plump, with rounded proportions, large breasts and thighs, and soft, fleshy rolls. This was beauty. But not for long. At the end of the Baroque Era, the Classical Era ushered in many changes in the fashion of the period. The “Age of Undress,” as it was coined, pushed aside flowing gown styles and brought in classic silhouettes, boned torsos, and full, wide skirts – all giving more emphasis to small waists, although large hips were still all the rage. As European dress continued to progress, waists became whittled to the smallest of proportions, causing many women to literally go hungry to keep up with fashion. By the Victorian Era, it was nearly unheard of for a man to take interest in a woman of size.
Fueled at the time only by word of mouth and those that could afford newspapers, media already had its hold on the public at large, and the draw of a larger-bodied lady had fallen by the wayside.
On the Flip Side
This profiling of body types isn't just limited to larger body types, the converse occurs with smaller bodies, as well, on a different level, but similarly to the prejudice that plus-sizes receive. Individuals perceived as skinny or too thin for some are given the same types of treatment... name-calling and back-handed compliments seem to fill their lives, as well. They don't just say that they're tinier than most, they take one look and instantly judge. Instead of saying that the big girl has no willpower or is undisciplined, or even lazy, while the thin girl is immediately ridiculed for being vain or conceited, or even superficial about her looks. In each instance, they are criticized purely on a physical level for something that no one could ever know without learning more about them as an individual. But instead, reading their proverbial book by it's cover alone.
Depending on who you ask nowadays, you may get the answer that those little, bronzed beach bunnies are still the highly sought after body-type, but there’s an increasing amount of men who have finally stepped forward (and many more that are still in hiding, ashamed of the fact) who revel in the larger ladies (and vice-versa of women to men!). The BBW Genre of Porn is BOOMING and people of size are highly sought after, not just by the industry and the people watching the adult videos, but I’ve personally found that there are many ridiculously hot male actors who are very much into not only being with the big, beautiful women on-screen, but off, as well!
In recent years, I’ve also found myself once-again single, and this is something very new and somewhat frightening, seeing as I’m still a large lady – and larger than I was by a couple of sizes from when I met my now-former husband. Yes, I was big then, but he loved me for me – what I had figured all along, from my mother’s way of thinking – was on the inside. But he loved me for my looks, as well. I was stunned to hear that revelation! I was even more stunned when trying to get back into the dating pool at a larger size than many my age. What I found was a slew of men pining for women of size, and that alone was a ridiculous boost in confidence! In joining several online dating websites, I was sincerely getting more responses than I could handle and wound up putting numerous disclaimers and becoming very specific with my wants and desires to help to weed out the selection.
With my own sensibilities intact and not putting up with anyone’s name-calling and degrading actions all along, coupled with this new realization, there’s not a single reason that I can think of why women (or men) of any size can’t feel beautiful and confident and sexy in their bodies, no matter what size they may be! Not only this, but I’ve finally come to love my body, no matter the size, as I’ve learned that for once in my life, I can wear what I feel sexy in, and not just what other people want me to wear. For some, this may be stepping over their own conventional lines, but if they can feel good in their bodies, then why shouldn’t I be able to, as well? The world may be judgmental, but as an individual, maybe I’m better than that, simply because I’ve lived the flip-side of it. No matter your physical appearance, you have every right to feel good about yourself, no matter what you’re wearing, be it an oversized sweater and yoga pants or the skimpiest bikini.
I’m sexy as hell and that’s all there is to it. If you don’t like it, then you can move on to the next girl, but keep your comments to yourself. If it makes me happy, that’s the only thing that’s important!