Somehow my body and I haven't been able to agree on how best I should feel pleasure. I came into our "discussions" expecting certain things to work. I expected that I could touch my clit and eventually reach orgasm. I thought that I would be able to reach inside and find my g-spot. At first, when I didn't, I wasn't terribly concerned. I mean, I hadn't had sex yet, and maybe I would just grow into things.
But I didn't grow into it after becoming sexually active. I couldn't achieve orgasm from my partners stimulating me in any way except for one specific thing. If I was on top, and at the right angle, they could reach this magic spot deep inside. Plus, it would only work if I had been super aroused. It wouldn't happen any other way.
This didn't seem so bad. Except my early partners weren't terribly interested in working me up before their big finish. They at least liked being able to lay back while I was desperately trying to find my own little piece of bliss. It did happen with more frequency the longer I was with someone because I could get that angle just right, but it became very irritating that I could not get off any other way. I couldn't get myself off because I couldn't reach that spot.
I became extremely disillusioned with orgasm. It was too much work. It's not like I didn't enjoy sex...I just didn't enjoy trying to come. I just gave up. It wasn't an acceptance at all. It was admitting defeat.
Eventually, I started having partners who got off by getting me off. This started a slow but steady reawakening of the war. I wanted to get off for them. I wanted to come all over the place. I wanted all the tricks they had accumulated from a promiscuous life to work on me.
Spoiler alert: most of those tricks didn't work.
But then I was on a mission to vibrate, thrust, use sensation cream, or any other adult product to force my body into "normalcy." I have gone through thousands of dollars in sex toys trying to find anything that would make my body work like what I thought other women's bodies worked like.
Spoiler alert: the only toys that worked were ones that hit the spot.
There are no amount of vibrations or rotations that will make me come. No wands will get it. There isn't a rabbit in the world that will work.
What I have learned is that I can have a longer and more powerful orgasm with the help of clit stimulators, anal toys, and dildos of the right size.
More importantly, I have learned to love the orgasm I do have. It is mine. It is powerful. It is long lasting and it satisfies me. That is what matters, right?