STOP. Just stop. Please.

If Fifty Shades is what made you decide you wanted to be a sub, let me ask you this… how would you feel if you ended up in a relationship like Christian and his Mrs. Robinson? One where the sub had no idea what they were getting themselves into, had no real opportunity to give consent, and in the end, was left damaged and violated. Relationships like that are not BDSM. They are abuse.

And it doesn’t just happen to minors; it can happen to adults too. Just like the women in this article that responded to a San Francisco area lawyer’s Craigslist ad, where he was seeking “dominant sex with submissive women.” More than one woman answered, and more than one ended up filing suits that ranged from rape, to forced imprisonment.

The first thing you need to understand is that just because you might like pain during sex doesn’t mean you want BDSM. Pain play and BDSM are two very different, separate things and there is also BDSM role-play.

Pain play is simply incorporating painful elements during foreplay and sex, in order to heighten endorphin levels. There is not necessarily any dominance or submissiveness involved. This only involves elements of the sadomasochism that may be involved in BDSM relationships.

BDSM Role-Play is role-play during sex, where one of you takes the role of Dominant, and the other takes the role of submissive. You aren’t making it a lifestyle; it’s just something you want to try out in the bedroom.

Real BDSM relationships require, well, a relationship. It doesn’t matter if you are a Dom or sub, sadist or masochist, or the queen of kink… you can’t just jump into things. There are limits to be set, safe words to be decided, and above all…. TRUST to be established. It’s not something you can establish in just a ‘fling’.

To be clear, any relationship requires a certain amount of trust, whether it’s a one-night stand, or a marriage. But when you are telling someone that you basically want to surrender your will to them and that you are willing to accept punishment from them for going against the rules, there needs to be some boundaries and rules set. And then you need to have the utmost trust in that person to not take advantage of what you are giving to them. Sure, they may have agreed, or signed your ‘contract’, or whatever… but how do you know they will uphold that? How do you know that you aren’t going to be screaming the safe word over and over again, while they continue doing what they are doing? How do you know that they aren’t going to become emotionally abusive?

When it comes down to it, you really need to take two things into consideration. The first is your safety, and the second is exactly what you really want out of the situation. Because, let’s face it, the chance of you running into a ‘Christian’ on Craigslist is about as high as some guy showing up on your doorstep with a glass slipper that you left behind when you fled the ball. ‘Fifty Shades’ is to BDSM, as Disney fairy tales are to everyday relationships (Or as my husband says… “It’s like watching Star Wars, and then thinking you’re a Jedi”). It’s a fictional story or something to fantasize about, if you’re into that sort of thing. But in real life, there is a lot more that needs to go into it, and if you don’t take precautions, you’ll be the one that ends up fifty shades of fucked up.